The Old Debauchees. A Comedy

SCENE II Old Laroon, Jourdain, Isabel

Old. Lar. A Dog, a Villain, put off my Son's Match. Mr. Jourdain, your Servant; will you suffer a Rogue of a Jesuit to defer your Daughter's Marriage a whole Week?

Jourd. I am sorry, Mr. Laroon, for the Disappointment, but her Marriage will be deferred longer than that.

Old. Lar. How, Sir!

Jourd. She is intended for another Marriage, Sir, a much better Match.

Old. Lar. A much better Match! —

Isa. Yes, Sir, I am to be sent to a Nunnery, to pray my Father out of Purgatory.

Old Lar. Oh! Ho! – We'll make that Matter very easy: he shall have no Fear of Purgatory; for I'll send him to the Devil this Moment. Come, Sir, draw, draw —

Jourd. Draw what, Sir!

Old Lar. Draw your Sword, Sir.

Jourd. Alas, Sir, I have long since done with Swords, I have broke my Sword long since.

Old Lar. Then I shall break your Head, you old Rogue.

Jourd. Heyday – you are mad; what's the Matter?

Old Lar. Oh! no matter, no matter, you have used me ill, and you are a Son of a Whore, that's all.

Jourd. I wou'd not, Mr. Laroon, have my Conscience accuse me of using you ill: I would not have preferred any earthly Match to your Son, but if Heaven requires her —

Old Lar. I shall run mad.

Jourd. I hope my Daughter has Grace enough to make an Atonement for her Father's Sins.

Old Lar. And so, you wou'd atone for all your former Rogueries, by a greater, by perverting the Design of Nature! Was this Girl intended for praying! Hearkee, old Gentleman, let the young Couple together, and they'll sacrifice their first Fruits to the Church.

Jourd. It is impossible.

Old Lar. Well, Sir, then I shall attempt to persuade you no longer; so, Sir, I desire you would fetch your Sword.

SCENE III Young Laroon in a Friar's Habit, Old Laroon, Jourdain

Y. Lar. Let Peace be in this House – Where is the Sinner Jourdain?

Jourd. Here is the miserable Wretch.

Old Lar. Death and the Devil, another Priest.

Y. Lar. Then know I am thy Friend, and am come to save thee from Destruction.

Old Lar. That's likely enough.

Y. Lar. St. Francis the Patron of our Order hath sent me on this Journey, to caution thee, that thou may not suffer thy sinful Daughter to profane the holy Veil. Such was it seems thy Purpose; but the Perdition that would have attended it I dread to think on. Rejoice therefore, and prostrate thy self at the Shrine of a Saint, who has not only sent thee this Caution, but does himself intercede for all thy Sins.

Old Lar. Agad! and St. Francis is a very honest Fellow, and thou art the first Priest that ever I lik'd in my whole Life.

Jourd. St. Francis honours me too much. I shall try to deserve the Favour of that Saint. But wherefore is my Daughter denied the holy Veil?

Y. Lar. Your Daughter, I am concerned to say it, is now with Child by a young Gentleman, one Mr. Laroon.

Jourd. Oh Heavens!

Old Lar. What's that you say, Sir, because I thought I heard somewhat of a damn'd Lye come out of your Mouth.

Y. Lar. Sir, it is St. Francis speaks within me, and he cannot be mistaken.

Old Lar. I can tell you, Sir, if that young Gentleman had heard you, he would certainly have thrashed St. Francis out of you.

Y. Lar. Sir, you have nothing to do now, but to prepare the Match with the utmost Expedition.

Old Lar. This St. Francis must lye, or the Boy would not be so eager upon the Affair: No one is ever eager to sign Articles when they have entered the Town. – Well, Master Jourdain, if the young Dog has tripped up your Daughter's Heels in an unlawful way, as St. Francis says, why, he shall make her amends and – and do it in a lawful one. So I'll go see for my Son, while you go and comfort the poor Chicken that is pining for fear of a Nunnery. – Odsheart, it would be very hard indeed, when a Girl has once had her Belly full, that she must fast all her Life afterwards.

Y. Lar. I have deliver'd my Commission and shall now return to my Convent – Farewel, and return Thanks to St. Francis.

Jourd. Oh! St. Francis! St. Francis! What a merciful Saint art thou!

SCENE IV. Another ApartmentMartin, Isabel

Mart. Indeed, Child, there are Pleasures in a retired Life, which you are entirely ignorant of. Nay, there are Indulgencies granted to People in that State, which would be sinful out of it. And, perhaps, the same Liberties are permitted them with one Person, which are deny'd them with another. Come, put on a chearful Countenance, you don't know what you are design'd for.

Isa. No, but I know what I am not design'd for.

Mart. Let me feel your Pulse.

Isa. You are a Physician as well as a Priest, I suppose.

Mart. Have you never any odd Dreams?

Isa. No.

Mart. Do you never find any strange Emotions?

Isa. No. None but what I believe are very natural.

Mart. Strange that! – Did you never see me in your Sleep?

Isa. I never dream of a Priest, I assure you.

Mart. Nay, nay; be candid, confess, perhaps, there may be nothing so sinful in it. We cannot help what we are design'd for. We are only passive, and the Sin lies not at our Doors. While you are only passive, I'll answer for your Sins.

Isa. What do you mean?

Mart. That you must not yet know – Great things are design'd for you, very great things are designed for you.

Isa. (Hum! I begin to guess what is design'd for me.)

[Aside.

Mart. Those Eyes have a Fire in them that scarce seems mortal. Come hither – give me a Kiss – ha! there is a Sweetness in that Breath like what I've read of Ambrosia. That Bosom heaves like those of Priestesses of old, when big with Inspiration.

Isa. (Haity-tity – Are you thereabouts good Father?)

[Aside.

Mart. Let me embrace thee, my dear Daughter, let me give thee Joy of such Promotion, such Happiness as will attend you.

Isa. I'll try this reverend Gentleman his own way.

[Aside.

Mart. You must resign your self up to my Will, you must be passive in all things.

Isa. Oh! let me thus beg Pardon, on my Knees, for an Offence which Modesty occasioned.

Mart. Ha! speak.

Isa. Oh! I see it is in vain to hide my Secrets from you. What need have I to confess what you already know?

Mart. Confession was intended for the sake of the Penitent, not the Confessor: for to the Church all things are revealed.

Isa. Oh! then I had a Dream – I dreamt – I dreamt – oh! I can never tell you what I dreamt.

Mart. Horrible!

Isa. I dreamt – I dreamt – I dreamt —

Mart. Oh! the Strength of Sin!

Isa. I dreamt I was brought to bed of the Pope.

Mart. The very Happiness I meant, let me embrace you, let me kiss you, my dear Daughter: Henceforth you may defy Purgatory – the Mother of a Pope was never there.

Isa. But how can that be, when I am to be a Nun, Father?

Mart. Leave the Means to me. Learn only to be passive, the Church will work the rest. A Pope is always the Son of a Nun. Go you to your Chamber, wash your self, then pray devoutly, shut every Ray of Light out, leave open the Door and expect the Consequence.

Isa. Father, I shall be obedient – oh! the Villain!

Mart. Be passive and be happy.

SCENE VJourdain, Martin, Isabel

Mart. Ha! Why this unseasonable Interruption, while your Daughter is at Confession?

Jourd. Oh, Father, I have brought you News will make you happy, will rejoice your poor Heart. My Daughter is redeemed.

Mart. Out of Purgatory – vain Man! dost thou think to inform the Church? —

Jourd. I suppose St. Francis has been beforehand with me. Indeed I should have imagined that before: for we seldom hear any thing from the Saints, but thro' the Mouth of a Priest.

Mart. (What does he mean?)

[Aside.

Jourd. Well, Daughter, the Thoughts of a Nunnery now give you no Uneasiness.

Mart. No, no, she is perfectly reconciled to it, and I am confident, would not quit the Nunnery for the Bed of a Prince.

Jourd. Ha! would not quit the Nunnery, Heaven forbid.

Mart. How! you are not mad!

Jourd. Unless with Joy. I thought you had known that I have received an Order from St. Francis, to marry my Daughter immediately.

Mart. Oh! Folly! to marry her immediately; why ay, to marry her to the Church, St. Francis means. You see into what Errors the Laity run, when they go without the Leading-strings of the Church, and would interpret for themselves what they know nothing of.

Isa. I'll take this Opportunity to steal off, and communicate a Design of mine to young Laroon, which may draw this Priest into a Snare he little dreams of.

Jourd. But I cannot see how that should be St. Francis's Meaning: For tho' my Daughter may be married to the Church in a figurative Sense, sure, she cannot be with Child by the Church in a literal one.

Mart. I see the Business now, unhappy Man! I was in Hopes to have prevented this —Exorcizo te, Exorcizo te, Satan. Ton Dapamibominos prosephe podas ocus Achilleus.

Jourd. Bless us, what mean you?

Mart. You are possessed; the Devil has taken possession of you; he is now within you, I saw him just now look out of your Eyes.

Jourd. O miserable Wretch that I am!

SCENE VI Old Laroon, Young Laroon, Jourdain, Martin

Old Lar. Mr. Jourdain, your Servant. Where is my Daughter-in-law: I'll warrant she will easily forgive one Day's forwarding the Match. Odso, it's an Error of the right side.

Jourd. Talk not to me of my Daughter, I am possessed, I am possessed.

Old Lar. Possessed – what the Devil are you possessed with.

Jourd. I am possessed with the Devil.

Old Lar. You are possessed with a Priest, and that's worse. Come, let's have the Wedding, and at Night, we'll drive the Devil out of you with a Fidle. The Devil is a great Lover of Musick. I have known half a Dozen Devils dance out of a Man's Mouth at the tuning a Violin, then present the Company with a Hornpipe, and so dance a Jig through the Keyhole.

Mart. Thou art the Devil's Son; for he is the Father of Lyars.

Old Lar. Thou art the Devil's Footman, and wearest his proper Livery.

Jourd. Fy upon you, Mr. Laroon; Fy upon you.

Mart. Mr. Laroon! O surprizing Effect of Possession – Here is no Body.

Jourd. Can I not believe my Eyes?

Mart. Can you not! no – you are to believe mine. The Eyes of the Laity may err, the Eyes of a Priest cannot.

Jourd. And do I not see Mr. Laroon and his Son!

Mart. You see neither. It is the Spirit within you that represents to your Eyes and Ears what Objects it pleases.

Jourd. Oh! miserable Wretch.

Old Lar. Agad I'll try whether I am no Body or no, and whether I cannot make this Priest sensible that I am somebody.

Y. Lar. For Heaven's sake, Sir, consider the Consequence.

Old Lar. Consequence! Do you think I'll suffer a Rascal to prove me nothing at all to my Face?

Jourd. And is it possible all this is a Vision?

Mart. Retire to Rest – while I by the Force and Battery of Prayer, expel this dreadful Guest.

Jourd. Oh! what a miserable Wretch am I!

SCENE VII Old Laroon, Young Laroon, Martin

Old Lar. Hearkee, Sir, will you please to tell me what this great Impudence of yours means? and what you would intend by Annihilating me.

Mart. It were happy for such Sinners that they cou'd be annihilated: It were worth you two hundred thousand Masses, take my Word for it.

Old Lar. It were happy for such Rascals as you, Sirrah, that all Honesty was annihilated.

Y. Lar. But pray, Father, what Reasons have you for preventing my Match with Isabel?

Mart. Reasons, young Gentleman, that are not proper for your Ears. Isabel is intended for a better Bridegroom than you.

Old Lar. How, Sirrah! how! Do you disparage my Son? Do you run down my Boy? Hearkee, either make up Affairs between them immediately, exert thy self in thy proper office and hold the Door, or I'll blow up thy Convent; I'll burn your Garrison, and disband such a Set of black Locusts as shall rob and pillage all Toulon.

Mart. I contemn thy Threats. The Saints defend their Ministers.

Old Lar. The Saints defend their Ministers! the Laws defend them: St. Wheel, and St. Prison, and St. Gibbet, and St. Faggot; these are the Saints that defend you. If you had no Defence but from the Saints in the other World, you wou'd few of you stay long in this. If you had no other Arms than your Beads, you would have shortly no other Food.

Mart. Oh Slanderous! Oh impious! some Judgment cannot be far off.

Old Lar. When a Priest is so near – Sirrah!

SCENE VIIIIsabel, to them

Mart. Daughter, fly from this wicked Place; the Breath of Sin has infected it, and two Gallons of Holy Water will scarce purify the Air.

Isa. Oh! Heavens! What's the Matter, Father?

Old Lar. Why the Matter is, this Gentleman in Black here, for Reasons best known to himself, and another Gentleman in Black, has thought fit to forbid your Marriage.

Isa. What the Saints please.

Old Lar. Hoity-toity! What, has he fill'd your Head with the Saints too?

Isa. Oh Sir! I have had such Dreams.

Old Lar. Dreams! Ha, ha, ha: The Devil's in it, if a Girl just going to be married should not have Dreams. But they were Dreams the Saints had nothing to do with, I warrant you.

Isa. Such Visions of Saints appearing to me, and advising me to a Nunnery.

Old Lar. Impossible! Impossible! for I have had Visions too: I have been order'd by half a Dozen Saints to see you married with the utmost Expedition; and a very honest Saint, whose Name I forget, came to me about an Hour ago, and swore heartily if you were not married within this Week, he'd lead you to Purgatory in a Fortnight.

Mart. Oh! grievous!

Isa. Can there be such Contradictions?

Old Lar. Pshaw! Pshaw! Yours was a Dream, and so to be understood backwards; Mine, a true Vision, therefore to be believ'd. Why, Child, I have been a famous Seer of Visions in my Time. Wou'd you believe it? While I was in the Army, there never was a Battle, but I saw it some time beforehand. I have had an intimate Familiarity with the Saints, I know them all: There is not one of them cou'd be capable of saying such a thing.

Isa. Oh! Sir, I saw, and heard, and must believe, for none but the Church can contradict our Senses.

Old. Lar. So, so! the Distemper's hereditary, I find: the Daughter is as full of the Church as the Father. Come away, Son, come away: I would not have thee marry into such a Family, I shou'd be Grand-father to a Race of greasy Priests. 'Sdeath! this Girl will be brought to bed of a Pope one Day or other.

Isa. 'Tis out, 'tis out.

Mart. Oh prodigious! That such a Saint shou'd prophesy Truth through those Lips, whence the Devil has been thundring so many Lyes.

Old Lar. What Truth, Sir, what Truth?

Isa. Oh! Sir, the Blessing you mentioned, has been promised me! I am to give a Pope to the World.

Old Lar. Are you so, Madam? He shall have no Blood of mine in him, I'm resolv'd I'll never ask Blessings of a Grandson. Come away, Jack, come a way, I say; let us leave the Devil's Son, and the Pope's Mother together.

Yo. Lar. Remember, my Isabel, I only live in the Hopes of seeing you mine.

SCENE IXMartin, Isabel

Mart. It were better thou shouldst howl in Purgatory ten thousand Years, than ever see that Day. Oh! that we had but an Inquisition in France. Burning four or five hundred such Fellows in a Morning would be the best way of deterring others. Religion loves to warm it self at the Fire of a Heretick.

Isa. Fire is as necessary to keep our Minds warm as our Bodies, Father; and burning a Heretick is really a very great Service done to himself; a Faggot is a Purge for a sick Soul, and a Heretick is obliged to the Priest who applies it.

Mart. There spoke the Spirit of Zeal: Let me embrace thee, my little Saint; for such thou will be, let me kiss thee with the pure Affection of a Confessor – Ha! there is something Divine in these Lips, let me taste them again; are you sure you have drank no Holy Water this Morning?

Isa. None, upon my Word.

Mart. Let me smell a third time. There. Numero Deus impare gaudet. Depend on it, Child, very great Happiness will attend you. But be sure to observe my Directions in every thing.

Isa. I shall, Father. I did as you commanded me this Morning.

Mart. Well, and did you perceive any great Alterations in your self? Any extraordinary Emotion?

Isa. I cannot say I did.

Mart. Hum! Spirits have their own Times of Operation; which must be diligently watch'd for. Perhaps your good Genius was at that Time otherwise employ'd. Repeat the Ceremony often, and my Life on the Success. Let me see, about an Hour hence will be a very good Season. Be ready to receive him, and I firmly believe, the Spirit will come to you.

Isa. Oh lud! Father, I shall be frightned out of my Wits at the Sight of a Spirit.

Mart. You will see nothing frightful, take my Word for it.

Isa. I hope he won't appear in any horrible Shape.

Mart. Hum – That is to be averted by Ave Maries. As this is a friendly Spirit, I dare say, you may prevail on him to take what Shape you please. Perhaps your Father, or if you cannot prevail for a Lay-man, I dare swear, you may at least, pray him into the Shape of your Confessor: and tho' I must suffer Pain on that Account, I am ready to undergo it for your Service.

Isa. I am infinitely obliged to my dear Father, I'll prepare my self for this vast Happiness, nothing shall be wanting on my Parr, I assure you.

Mart. And if any thing be wanting on mine, may I never say Mass again, or never be paid for Masses I have not said. Either this Girl has extraordinary Simplicity, or what is more likely, extraordinary Cunning; she does not seem averse to my Kisses. Why should I not imagine she sees and approves my Design. Well, I'll say this for the Sex: Let a Man but invent any Excuse for the Sin, and they are all ready to undertake it. How happy is a Priest,

Who can the blushing Maid's Resistance smother,With Sin in one Hand, Pardon in the other.

ACT III

SCENE ISCENE, Isabel's Apartment Young Laroon, Isabel Young Laroon

Perdition seize the Villain, may all the Torments of twenty Inquisitions wrack his Soul.

Isa. Act your Part well, and we shall not want his own Weapons against him.

Yo. Lar. Sure it is impossible he can intend it —

Isa. Shall I make the Experiment?

Yo. Lar. I shall never be able to forbear murdering him.

Isa. You shall promise not to commit any Violence, you know too well what wou'd be the Consequence of that. Let us sufficiently convict him, and leave his Punishment to the Law.

Yo. Lar. And I know too well what will be the Consequence of that. There seems to be a Combination between Priests and Lawyers; the Lawyers are to save the Priests from Punishment for their Rogueries in this World, and the Priests the Lawyers in the next.

Isa. However, the same Law that screens him for having injured you, will punish you for having done Justice to him.

[Knocking at the Door.

Isa. Oh! Heavens! the Priest is at the Door. What shall we do?

Yo. Lar. Damn him: I'll stay here and confront him.

Isa. Oh! No, by no means: For once, I'll attack him in his own Way; so the Moment he opens the Door, do you run out and leave the rest to me.

[She throws her self into a Chair, and shrieks. Young Laroon overturns Martin.SCENE IIMartin, Isabel

Mart. I am slain, I am overlaid, I am murdered. Oh! Daughter, Daughter, is this your patient Expectation of the Spirit?

Isa. It has been here: It has been here.

Mart. What has been here?

Isa. Oh! the Spirit, the Spirit. It has been here this half Hour, and just as you came in, it vanished away in a Clap of Thunder, and I thought would have taken the Room with it.

Mart. I thought it would have taken me with it, I am sure. Spirit indeed! There are abundance of such Spirits as these in Toulon. And pray, how have the Spirit and you employed your time this half Hour?

Isa. Oh! don't ask me: It is impossible to tell you.

Mart. Ay, 'tis needless too: for I can give a shrewd Guess. I suppose you like his Company.

Isa. Oh! so well! That I could wish he would visit me ten Times every Day.

Mart. Oh, Ho! And in the same Shape too.

Isa. Oh! I shou'd like him in any Shape, and I dare swear he'll come in any Shape too: For he is the purest, sweetest, most complaisant Spirit: I could have almost sworn it had been Mr. Laroon himself.

Mart. Was there ever such a —

Isa. Nay, when it came in first, it behaved just like Mr. Laroon, and call'd it self by his Name; but when it found I did not answer a Word, it took me by the Hand, and cry'd, is it possible you can be angry with your Laroon! I answer'd not a Word; then it kissed me a hundred times; I said nothing still; it caught me in its Arms, and embrac'd me Passionately; I still behaved as you commanded me, very passive.

Mart. Oh! the Devil, the Devil! Was ever Man so caught. And did you never apprehend it to be Mr. Laroon himself?

Isa. Heaven forbid, I should have suffered Mr. Laroon in those Familiarities, which you order'd me to allow the Spirit.

Mart. I am caught indeed. Damn'd driveling Idiot!

[Aside.

Isa. But, dear Father, tell me, shall I not see it again quickly? For I long to see it again.

Mart. Oh! Yes, yes —

Isa. I long to see it in the dark (methinks) for you know, Father, one sees Spirits best in the dark.

Mart. Ay, ay, you'll see it in the dark, I warrant you; but be sure and behave as you did before.

Isa. And will he always behave as he did before, Father?

Mart. Hum! Be in your Chamber this Evening at Eight; take care there be no Light in the Room, and perhaps the Spirit may pay you a second Visit.

Isa. I'll be sure to be punctual.

Mart. And passive.

Isa. I'll obey you in every thing.

Mart. Senseless Oaf. But tho' I have lost the first Fruits by her extreme Folly, yet am I highly delighted with it; and if I do not make a notable use of it I am no Priest.

SCENE IIIJourdain solus

Oh! Purgatory! Purgatory! What wou'd I not give to escape thy Flames! (methinks) I feel them already. Hark! what Noise is that? – Nothing – Ha! what's that I see? Something with two Heads – What can all this portend? – What a poor miserable Wretch am I?

Enter Servant

Serv. Sir, a Friar below desires to speak with you.

Jourd. Why will you suffer a Man of Holy Order to wait a Moment at my Door? Bring him in.