Thereby Hangs a Tale. Volume One

“Yes, Sir Hampton, man!”

“Yes, Sir Hampton,” said Sanders, slowly and impressively, as if he were trying to fix the formula in his mind.

“I’ll see you in the morning about a new bed on the lawn, and – er-rum – don’t let this affair be talked about.”

“No, sir – Hampton,” said Sanders.

He went heavily down the new path, while his master stood apparently loading himself – that is to say, he thrust what seemed to be a white gun-wad into his mouth, before turning into the hall, and letting off a tremendous “Er-rum,” which echoed through the house. The wad, however, was only a digestive tablet, an antidote to the heartburn, from which Sir Hampton suffered; and he strode into the dining-room, where the family was already assembled for luncheon.

“Oh, dad – papa,” cried Fin, “such news for you.”

“Don’t worry your papa, my dear,” said Miss Matilda, smoothing her handkerchief, which, from being sat upon, resembled a cambric cake; “wait till he has had some refreshment. He is tired. Hampton, will you take a cutlet?”

“Don’t, pa. Have some chicken pie.”

“Shall I send you a poached egg, dear?” said Lady Rea, who was in difficulties with the mustard-pot, the protruding spoon of which had entangled itself with her open lace sleeve, and the yellow condiment was flowing over the table.

“No,” said Sir Hampton, gruffly.

“Tut, tut, tut,” said Lady Rea, making matters worse by trying to scrape up the mustard with a spoon.

“Hadn’t you better let Edward do that, dear?” said Miss Matilda, with a pained expression of countenance, as she played pat-a-cake once more with her handkerchief.

“They do make the mustard so horribly thin,” said Lady Rea. “Finetta, give papa some of the pie.”

Fin looked mischievously across at her sister, and then cut a large portion of the patty, enough to have called forth an angry remonstrance at another time; but though Miss Matilda looked perfectly horrified, Sir Hampton was too angry and absorbed to notice it; he only went on eating.

“Well, Finetta, dear,” said Lady Rea, “what’s the grand news?”

“Seen the sailor, ma, dear; been introduced to him. Such a nice fellow.”

“Seen whom?” said Lady Rea, making a last scrape at the mustardy cloth.

“Mr Trevor, ma; met him at old Mrs Trelyan’s. Such fun.”

“My dear Finetta,” began Miss Matilda; but a shot fired by Sir Hampton stopped her in dismay.

“Er-rum – what’s that?” he asked. “Have you met that person?”

“What person, papa?” said Finetta. “That – that Penreife man – that Trevor, or whatever his name is?”

“Yes, pa, we met him this morning; and he’s the same – ”

“Er-rum, I know!” exclaimed Sir Hampton, upsetting a carafe in his excitement, and making Miss Matilda start back to save her silk. “I ought to have bought Penreife – it’s one of those persons we saw – I know; I met him this morning – trespass – an insulting – ugh! ugh! ugh!”

“Oh, pa!” cried Finetta, “you shouldn’t get in a passion with your mouth full; and so much pepper as there is in that pie.”

For Sir Hampton had begun to cough furiously, his face growing deeper in tint, and his eyes protruding, so alarming Lady Rea that she bustled round the table and began to hammer his back, while Miss Matilda offered a glass of water.

“Ugh! ugh! ugh! Sit down – sit down!” gasped Sir Hampton. “I – er-rum – I forbid all fixture communication with that – that fellow. If he calls here, I’ll have the door shut in his face. Insulted me grossly this morning, on my own grounds, and a dirty little jackanapes with him talked to me in such a way as I was never spoken to before.”

“Oh, Tiny, it’s the horrid little man,” whispered Fin.

“Why, my dear Hampy, whatever is it all about?” said Lady Rea. “There, do drink some water, and get cool.”

Sir Hampton glanced at his wife and sister, and poured himself out half a tumbler of sherry, which he drained, and then began to cough once more.

“Eat a bit of bread, dear,” said Lady Rea. “Quick, you won’t mind mine – I haven’t touched it.”

Saying which she held a piece out to him on a fork.

“Frances!” ejaculated Miss Matilda.

“Ugh! Any one would think I was a bear upon a pole,” coughed Sir Hampton; and he wiped his eyes as he grew better.

“But, Hampy, dear,” said Lady Rea, “it will be so strange. Suppose Mr Trevor calls?”

“Tell the servants to shut the door in his face,” growled Sir Hampton. “An insulting puppy!”

“Oh, pa, dear, don’t be so cross,” said Fin. “Take us out for a drive this afternoon, and let’s see if the box has come from Mudie’s.”

“Disgraceful – and on one’s own land, too,” growled Sir Hampton, not heeding his daughter, but still muttering thunder.

“But you will take us, papa?” said Fin, leaning on his shoulder.

“Such insolence!” muttered Sir Hampton.

“Was he trespassing, Hampton?” said Miss Matilda.

“Yes, and a pack of fellows along with him,” cried Sir Hampton, firing up once more.

“You’ll take us out, pa, dear?” said Fin, getting her cheek against his.

“No, no! well, there, yes,” said Sir Hampton; and then, looking like a half-mollified bull, he submitted to having his cheeks patted, and his stiff cravat untied and retied by the busy fingers of his pet child.

“In half an hour, dad?”

“Yes, yes; only don’t bother. Er-rum!” he ejaculated, as Fin flew to the bell, “tell them to bring round the waggonette.”

Sir Hampton rose and left the room, firing a shot as he crossed the hall. Then the footman came in to receive his orders, and directly after Lady Rea looked admiringly across at her daughter.

“Ah, Fin, my dear, I wish I could manage your papa as you do.”

“Really, Frances,” said Miss Matilda, bridling up, “I don’t think that is a proper way for you to speak respecting a parent to a child.”

Poor downright Lady Rea looked troubled and distressed.

“Really, Matty,” she began.