The Burning Spear: Being the Experiences of Mr. John Lavender in the Time of War

Mr. Lavender’s eyes lighted on his glass, and he emptied it in his confusion. When he looked up again he could not see the Major very well, but could distinctly hear the truculent bonhomie of his voice.

“Every German ought to be interned; all their property ought to be confiscated; all their submarines’ and Zeppelins’ crews ought to be hung; all German prisoners ought to be treated as they treat our men. We ought to give ‘em no quarter. We ought to bomb their towns out of existence. I draw the line at their women. Short of that there’s nothing too bad for them. I’d treat ‘em like rabbits. Vermin they were, and vermin they remain.”

During this speech the most astounding experience befell Mr. Lavender, so that his eyes nearly started from his head. It seemed to him, indeed, that he was seated at dinner with a Prussian, and the Major’s voice had no sooner ceased its genial rasping than with a bound forward on his chair, he ejaculated:

“Behold the man – the Prussian in his jack-boot!” And, utterly oblivious of the fact that he was addressing Aurora’s father, he went on with almost terrible incoherence: “Although you have conquered this country, sir, never shall you subdue in my breast the sentiments of liberty and generosity which make me an Englishman. I abhor you – invader of the world – trampler underfoot of the humanities – enemy of mankind – apostle of force! You have blown out the sparks of love and kindliness, and have for ever robbed the Universe. Prussian!”

The emphasis with which he spoke that word caused his chair, on the edge of which he was sitting, to tilt up under him so that he slid under the table, losing the vision of that figure in helmet and field-grey which he had been apostrophizing.

“Hold up!” said a voice, while Blink joined him nervously beneath the board.

“Never!” cried Mr. Lavender. “Imprison, maltreat me do what you will. You have subdued her body, but never will I admit that you have conquered the honour of Britain and trodden her gentle culture into the mud.”

And, convinced that he would now be dragged away to be confined in some dungeon on bread and water, he clasped the leg of the dining-table with all his might, while Blink, sagaciously aware that something peculiar was occurring to her master, licked the back of his neck. He had been sitting there perhaps half a minute, with his ears stretched to catch the half-whispered sounds above, when he saw a shining object appear under the table, the head, indeed, of the Prussian squatting there to look at him.

“Go up, thou bald-head,” he called out at once; “I will make no terms with the destroyer of justice and humanity.”

“All right, my dear sir,” replied the head.

“Will you let my daughter speak to you?”

“Prussian blasphemer,” responded Mr. Lavender, shifting his position so as to be further away, and clasping instead of the table leg some soft silken objects, which he was too excited to associate with Aurora, “you have no daughter, for no woman would own one whose hated presence poisons this country.”

“Well, well,” said the Major. “How shall we get him out?”

Hearing these words, and believing them addressed to a Prussian guard, Mr. Lavender clung closer to the objects, but finding them wriggle in his clasp let go, and, bolting forward like a rabbit on his hands and knees, came into contact with the Major’s head. The sound of the concussion, the Major’s oaths, Mr. Lavender’s moans, Blink’s barking, and the peals of laughter from Aurora made up a noise which might have been heard in Portugal. The situation was not eased until Mr. Lavender crawled out, and taking up a dinner-knife, rolled his napkin round his arm, and prepared to defend himself against the German Army.

“Well, I’m damned,” said the Major when he saw these preparations; “I am damned.”

Aurora, who had been leaning against the wall from laughter, here came forward, gasping:

“Go away, Dad, and leave him to me.”

“To you!” cried the Major. “He’s not safe!”

“Oh yes, he is; it’s only you that are exciting him. Come along!”

And taking her father by the arm she conducted him from the room. Closing the door behind him, and putting her back against it, she said, gently:

“Dear Don Pickwixote, all danger is past. The enemy has been repulsed, and we are alone in safety. Ha, ha, ha!”

Her voice recalled. Mr. Lavender from his strange hallucination. “What?” he said weakly.

“Why? Who? Where? When?”

“You have been dreaming again. Let me take you home, and tuck you into bed.” And taking from him the knife and napkin, she opened the French-window, and passed out on to the lawn.

Lavender, who now that his reason had come back, would have followed her to the death, passed out also, accompanied by Blink, and watched by the Major, who had put his head in again at the door. Unfortunately, the spirit moved Mr. Lavender to turn round at this moment, and seeing the head he cried out in a loud voice:

“He is there! He is there! Arch enemy of mankind! Let me go and die under his jackboot, for never over my living body shall he rule this land.” And the infatuated gentleman would certainly have rushed at his host had not Aurora stayed him by the slack of his nether garments. The Major withdrawing his head, Mr. Lavender’s excitement again passed from him, and he suffered himself to be led dazedly away and committed to the charge of Mrs. Petty and Joe, who did not leave him till he was in bed with a strong bromide to keep him company.

XVI

FIGHTS THE FIGHT OF FAITH

The strenuous experiences through which Mr. Lavender had passed resulted in what Joe Petty called “a fair knock-out,” and he was forced to spend three days in the seclusion of his bed, deprived of his newspapers. He instructed Mrs. Petty, however, on no account to destroy or mislay any journal, but to keep them in a pile in his study. This she did, for though her first impulse was to light the kitchen fire with the five of them every morning, deliberate reflection convinced her that twenty journals read at one sitting would produce on him a more soporific effect than if he came down to a mere five.

Mr. Lavender passed his three days, therefore, in perfect repose, feeding Blink, staring at the ceiling, and conversing with Joe. An uneasy sense that he had been lacking in restraint caused his mind to dwell on life as seen by the monthly rather than the daily papers, and to hold with his chauffeur discussions of a somewhat philosophical character.

“As regards the government of this country, Joe,” he said, on the last evening of his retirement, “who do you consider really rules? For it is largely on this that our future must depend.”

“Can’t say, sir,” answered Joe, “unless it’s Botty.”

“I do not know whom or what you signify by that word,” replied Mr. Lavender; “I am wondering if it is the People who rule.”

“The People!” replied Joe; “the People’s like a gent in a lunatic asylum, allowed to ‘ave instinks but not to express ‘em. One day it’ll get aht, and we shall all step lively.”

“It is, perhaps, Public Opinion,” continued Mr. Lavender to himself, “as expressed in the Press.”

“Not it,” said Joe, “the nearest opinion the Press gets to expressin’ is that of Mayors. ‘Ave you never noticed, sir, that when the Press is ‘ard up for support of an opinion that the public don’t ‘old, they go to the Mayors, and get ‘em in two columns?”

“Mayors are most valuable public men,” said Mr. Lavender.

“I’ve nothin’ against ‘em,” replied Joe; “very average lot in their walk of life; but they ain’t the People.”

Mr. Lavender sighed. “What, then, is the People, Joe?”

“I am,” replied Joe; “I’ve got no opinions on anything except that I want to live a quiet life – just enough beer and ‘baccy, short hours, and no worry.”

“‘If you compare that with the aspirations of Mayors you will see how sordid such a standard is,” said Mr. Lavender, gravely.

“Sordid it may be, sir,” replied Joe; “but there’s, a thing abaht it you ‘aven’t noticed. I don’t want to sacrifice nobody to satisfy my aspirations. Why? Because I’ve got none. That’s priceless. Take the Press, take Parlyment, take Mayors – all mad on aspirations. Now it’s Free Trade, now it’s Imperialism; now it’s Liberty in Europe; now it’s Slavery in Ireland; now it’s sacrifice of the last man an’ the last dollar. You never can tell what aspiration’ll get ‘em next. And the ‘ole point of an aspiration is the sacrifice of someone else. Don’t you make a mistake, sir. I defy you to make a public speech which ‘asn’t got that at the bottom of it.”

“We are wandering from the point, Joe,” returned Mr. Lavender. “Who is it that governs, the country?”

“A Unseen Power,” replied Joe promptly.

“How?”

“Well, sir, we’re a democratic country, ain’t we? Parlyment’s elected by the People, and Gover’ment’s elected by Parlyment. All right so far; but what ‘appens? Gover’ment says ‘I’m going to do this.’ So long as it meets with the approval of the Unseen Power, well an’ good. But what if it don’t? The U.P. gets busy; in an ‘undred papers there begins to appear what the U.P. calls Public Opinion, that’s to say the opinion of the people that agree with the U.P. There you ‘ave it, sir, only them – and it appears strong. Attacks on the Gover’ment policy, nasty things said abaht members of it that’s indiscreet enough to speak aht what, they think – German fathers, and other secret vices; an’ what’s more than all, not a peep at any opinion that supports the Gover’ment. Well, that goes on day after day, playin’ on the mind of Parlyment, if they’ve got any, and gittin’ on the Gover’ment’s nerves, which they’ve got weak, till they says: ‘Look ‘ere, it’s no go; Public Opinion won’t stand it. We shall be outed; and that’ll never do, because there’s no other set of fellows that can save this country.’ Then they ‘ave a meetin’ and change their policy. And what they’ve never seen is that they’ve never seen Public Opinion at all. All they’ve seen is what the U.P. let ‘em. Now if I was the Gover’ment, I’d ‘ave it out once for all with the U. P.”

“Ah!” cried Mr. Lavender, whose eyes were starting from his, head, so profoundly was he agitated by what was to him a new thought.

“Yes,” continued Joe, “if I was the Gover’ment, next time it ‘appened, I’d say: ‘All right, old cock, do your damnedest. I ain’t responsible to you. Attack, suppress, and all the rest of it. We’re goin’ to do what we say, all the same!’ And then I’d do it. And what’d come of it? Either the U.P. would go beyond the limits of the Law – and then I’d jump on it, suppress its papers, and clap it into quod – or it’d take it lyin’ down. Whichever ‘appened it’d be all up with the U. P. I’d a broke its chain off my neck for good. But I ain’t the Gover’ment, an Gover’ment’s got tender feet. I ask you, sir, wot’s the good of havin’ a Constitooshion, and a the bother of electing these fellows, if they can’t act according to their judgment for the short term of their natural lives? The U.P. may be patriotic and estimable, and ‘ave the best intentions and all that, but its outside the Constitooshion; and what’s more, I’m not goin’ to spend my last blood an’ my last money in a democratic country to suit the tastes of any single man, or triumpherate, or wotever it may be made of. If the Government’s uncertain wot the country wants they can always ask it in the proper way, but they never ought to take it on ‘earsay from the papers. That’s wot I think.”

While he was speaking Mr. Lavender had become excited to the point of fever, for, without intending it, Joe had laid bare to him a yawning chasm between his worship of public men and his devotion to the Press. And no sooner had his chauffeur finished than he cried: “Leave me, Joe, for I must think this out.”

“Right, sir,” answered Joe with his smile, and taking the tea-tray from off his master, he set it where it must infallibly be knocked over, and went out.