The Cruise of the Shining Light

“Will my feet stray?”

He would not answer: and then all at once I was appalled–who had not feared before.

“Tell me!” I demanded.

He reached out and touched my hand–a fleeting, diffident touch–and gently answered, “Ay, lad; your feet will stray.”

“No, no!” I cried.

“The feet of all children,” said he. “’Tis the way o’ the world. They isn’t mothers’ prayers enough in all the world t’ change the Shepherd’s will. He’s wise–the Shepherd o’ the lambs.”

“’Tis sad, then,” I expostulated, “that the Shepherd haves it so.”

“Sad?”

“Ay–wondrous sad.”

“I’m not able t’ think ’tis sad,” said he. “’Tis wise, Dannie, I’m thinkin’, t’ have the lads wander in strange paths. I’d not have un suffer fear an’ sorrow, God knows! not one poor lad of all the lads that ever was. I’d suffer for their sins meself an’ leave un go scot free. Not one but I’d be glad t’ do it for. But still ’tis wise, I’m thinkin’, that they should wander an’ learn for theirselves the trouble o’ false ways. I wisht,” he added, simply, “that they was another plan–some plan t’ save un sorrow while yet it made un men. But I can’t think o’ none.”

“But an they’re lost?”

He scratched his head in a rush of anxious bewilderment. “Why, Dannie,” cries he, “it cannot be! Lost? Some poor wee lads lost? You lost, Dannie? My God! You, Dannie–you that lies there tender an’ kind an’ clean o’ soul in your little bed? You that said the little prayer t’ the tender Shepherd? You lost! God! it could not be. What’s this you’re tellin’ me? I’m not able t’ blaspheme the Lord God A’mighty in a way that’s vile as that. Not you, lad–not you! Am I t’ curse the God that would have it so?” cries he, in wrath. “Am I t’ touch your young body here in the solemn night, am I t’ look into your unspoiled eyes by day, an’ feel that you fare into the dark alone, a child, an’ without hope? Me think that? Ol’ Nick Top? Not I! Sin? Ay; you’ll sin. God knows so well as I you’ll sin. He made you, lad, an’ knows full well. You’ll be sore hurt, child. For all he learns o’ righteousness, Dannie, a man suffers; an’ for all he learns o’ sin he pays in kind: ’tis all the same–he learns o’ good an’ evil an’ pays in the same coin o’ sorrow. I’m not wishin’ you sorrow: I’m wishin’ you manhood. You’ll wander, like all lads, as God knows, who made un an’ the world they walks in; but the Shepherd will surely follow an’ fetch home all them that stray away upon hurtful roads accordin’ t’ the will He works upon the sons o’ men. They’s no bog o’ sin in all the world He knows not of. He’ll seek the poor lads out, in patience an’ love; an’ He’ll cure all the wounds the world has dealt un in dark places, however old an’ bleared an’ foul they’ve growed t’ be, an’ He’ll make un clean again, rememberin’ they was little lads, once–jus’ like you. Why, by God! Dannie,” cried he, “I’d do as much meself!”

“Ay,” quoth I; “but the parsons says they’re lost for good an’ all.”

“Does they?” he asked, his eyes blank.

“Deed so–an’ often!”

“Ah, well, Dannie!” said he, “bein’ cut off from the discussion o’ parsons by misdeeds, I’m not able t’ say. But bein’ on’y a lost soul I’m ’lowed t’ think; an’ I’ve thunk a idea.”

I wondered concerning it.

“Which is, speakin’ free an’ easy,” said he, “that they lie!”

“’Twill be hard,” I argued, “’t save un all.”

“’Twould be a mean poor God,” he replied, “that couldn’t manage a little thing like that.”

My uncle’s soul, as I had been taught (and but a moment gone informed), was damned.

“Uncle Nick,” I inquired, “will the Shepherd find you?”

“Me?” cries he.

“Ay,” I persisted; “will he not seek till he finds you, too?”

“Hist!” he whispered. “I’m damned, Dannie, for good an’ all.”

“You?”

“Good Lord, yes!” said he, under his breath. “Hist! Certain sure, I is–damned t’ hell for what I’m doin’.”

At this distant day I know that what he did was all for me, but not on that moonlit night of my childhood.

“What’s that?” said I.

“I’m damned for it, anyhow,” he answered. “Say no more, Dannie.”

I marvelled, but could make nothing of it at all. ’Tis strange (I have since thought) that we damn ourselves without hesitation: not one worthy man in all the world counting himself deserving of escape from those dreadful tortures preached for us by such apostles of injustice as find themselves, by the laws they have framed, interpreting without reverence or fear of blunder, free from the common judgment. Ay, we damn ourselves; but no man among us damns his friend, who is as evil as himself. And who damns his own child? ’Tis no doubt foolish to be vexed by any philosophy comprehending what is vulgarly called hell; but still (as I have thought) this is a reasonable view: there is no hell in the philosophy of a mother for her own child; and as by beneficent decree every man is the son of his mother, consequently there is no hell; else ’twould make such unhappiness in heaven. Ah, well! I looked out of the window where were the great works of the Lord: His rock and sea and sky. The moon was there to surprise me–half risen: the sea shot with a glistening pathway to the glory of the night. And in that vast uncertain and inimical place, far out from shore, there rode a schooner of twenty tons, dawdling unafraid, her small sails spread for a breeze, in hope. Whither bound? Northward: an evil coast for sailing-craft–cruel waters: rock and fog and ice and tempestuous winds. Thither bound, undaunted, with wings wide, abroad in the teeth of many perils, come wreck or not. At least (I thought) she had ventured from snug harbor.

“Dannie,” said my uncle, “you’re all alone in the world.”

Alone? Not I! “Why, sir,” said I, “I’ve you!”

He looked away.

“Isn’t I?” I demanded.

“No, lad,” he answered; “you isn’t.”

’Twas the first step he had led me from dependence upon him. ’Twas as though he had loosened my hand a little from its confident clasp of his own. I was alarmed.

“Many’s the lad,” said he, “that thinks he’ve his mother; an’ many’s the mother that thinks she’ve her lad. But yet they is both alone–all alone. ’Tis the queerest thing in the world.”

“But, Uncle Nick, I haves you!”

“No,” he persisted; “you is all alone. Why, Lord! Dannie, you is ’leven. What does I know about you?”

Not enough.

“An’ what does you know about me?”

I wondered.

“All children is alone,” said he. “Their mothers doesn’t think so; but they is. They’re alone–all alone. They got t’ walk alone. How am I t’ help you, Dannie? What can I do for you? Of all the wisdom I’ve gathered I’d give you all an’ go beggared, but you cannot take one jot. You must walk alone; ’tis the way o’ the world. An’, Dannie, could I say t’ the evil that is abroad, ‘Stand back! Make way! Leave this child o’ mine t’ walk in holiness!’ I would not speak the word. ’Twould be hard t’ stand helpless while you was sore beset. I’m not knowin’ how I’d bear it. ’Twould hurt me, Dannie, God knows! But still I’d have you walk where sin walks. ’Tis a man’s path, an’ I’d have you take it, lad, like a man. I’d not have you come a milk-sop t’ the Gate. I’d have you come scathless, an that might be with honor; but I’d have you come a man, scarred with a man’s scars, an need be. You walk alone, Dannie, God help you! in the world God made: I’ve no knowledge o’ your goings. You’ll wander far on they small feet. God grant you may walk manfully wherever they stray. I’ve no more t’ hope for than just only that.”

“I’ll try, sir,” said I.

My uncle touched me again–moving nearer, now, that his hand might lie upon me. “Dannie,” he whispered, “if you must sin the sins of us–”

“Ay, sir?”

“They’ll be some poor folk t’ suffer. An’ Dannie–”

I was very grave in the pause.

“You’ll not forget t’ be kind, will you,” he pleaded, “t’ them that suffer for your sins?”