Play With a Tiger and Other Plays

TOM: Just because you’ve decided to give me the boot, there’s no need to knock me down and start jumping on me.

[MARY comes in, backwards, shutting the door to keep the cat out.]

MARY: No pussy, you stay there. Anna doesn’t really like you, although she pretends she does. [to ANNA] That cat is more like a dog, really, he comes when I call. And he waits for me outside a door. [peeping around the edge of the door] No, puss, wait. I won’t be a minute. [to ANNA] I don’t know why I bothered to christen that cat Methuselah, it never gets called anything but puss. [sprightly with an exaggerated sigh] Really, I’m getting quite an old maid, fussing over a cat … If you can call a widow with a grown up son an old maid, but who’d have believed I’d have come to fussing over a cat. [seeing TOM] Oh, I didn’t know you were here.

TOM: Didn’t you see me? I said hullo.

MARY: Sometimes I think I’m getting a bit deaf. Well, what a surprise. You’re quite a stranger, aren’t you?

TOM: Hardly a stranger, I should have said.

MARY: Dropped in for old times’ sake [TOM is annoyed. MARY says to ANNA] I thought we might go out to the pub. I’m sick of sitting and brooding. [as ANNA does not respond – quick and defensive] Oh I see, you and Tom are going out, two’s company and three’s none.

ANNA: Tom’s going to the Jeffries.

MARY [derisive]: Not the Jeffries – you must be hard up for somewhere to go.

ANNA: And I think I’ll stay and work.

TOM: Anna is too good for the Jeffries.

MARY: Who isn’t?

[ANNA has gone back to the window, is looking down into the street.]

TOM [angrily]: Perhaps you’d like to come with me, since Anna won’t.

MARY [half aggressive, half coy]: You and me going out together – that’d be a change. Oh, I see, you’re joking. [genuinely] Besides, they really are so awful.

TOM: Better than going to the pub with Methuselah, perhaps?

MARY: [with spirit]: No, I prefer Methuselah. You don’t want to bore yourself at the Jeffries. Stay and have some coffee with us.

ANNA [her back still turned]: It’s the Royal Command.

MARY: Oh. You mean you’ve taken that job after all? I told Anna you would, months ago. There, Anna, I told you he would. Anna said when it actually came to the point, you’d never bring yourself to do it.

TOM: I like the idea of you and Anna laying bets as to whether the forces of good or evil would claim my soul.

MARY: Well, I mean, that’s what it amounts to, doesn’t it? But I always said Anna was wrong about you. Didn’t I, Anna? Anna always does this. [awkwardly] I mean, it’s not the first time, I mean to say. And I’ve always been right. Ah, well, as Anna says, don’t you, Anna, if a man marries, he marries a woman, but if a woman marries, she marries a way of life.

TOM: Strange, but as it happens I too have been the lucky recipient of that little aphorism.

MARY: Well, you were bound to be, weren’t you? [she sees TOM is furious and stops] Harry telephoned you, Anna.

ANNA: What for?

MARY: Well, I suppose now you’re free he thinks he’ll have another try.

TOM: May I ask – how did he know Anna was free? After all, I didn’t.

MARY: Oh, don’t be silly. I mean, you and Anna might not have known, but it was quite obvious to everyone else … well, I met Harry in the street some days ago, and he said …

TOM: I see.

MARY: Well, there’s no need to be so stuffy about it Tom –

[A bell rings downstairs.]

MARY: Was that the bell? Are you expecting someone, Anna?

TOM: Of course she’s expecting someone.

ANNA: No.

MARY [who hasn’t heard]: Who are you expecting?

ANNA: Nobody.

MARY: Well, I’ll go for you, I have to go down anyway. Are you in or out, Anna?

ANNA: I’m out.

MARY: It’s often difficult to say, whether you are in or out, because after all, one never knows who it might be.

ANNA [patiently]: Mary, I really don’t mind answering my bell you know.

MARY [hastily going to the door]: Sometimes I’m running up and down the stairs half the day, answering Anna’s bell. [as she goes out and shuts the door] Pussy, pussy, where are you puss, puss, puss.

TOM: She’s deteriorating fast, isn’t she? [ANNA patiently says nothing] That’s what you’re going to be like in ten years’ time if you’re not careful.

ANNA: I’d rather be like Mary in ten years’ time than what you’re going to be like when you’re all settled down and respectable.

TOM: A self-pitying old bore.

ANNA: She is also a kind warm-hearted woman with endless time for people in trouble … Tom, you’re late, the boss waits, and you can’t afford to offend him.

TOM: I remember Mary, and not so long ago either – she was quite a dish, wasn’t she? If I were you I’d be scared stiff.

ANNA: Sometimes I am scared stiff. [seriously] Tom, her son’s getting married next week.

TOM: Oh, so that’s it.

ANNA: No, that’s not it. She’s very pleased he’s getting married.

And she’s given them half the money she’s saved – not that there’s much of it. You surely must see it’s going to make quite a difference to her, her son getting married?

TOM: Well he was bound to get married some time.