Between Friends

Are you all right? You’ve been so quiet lately and that isn’t like you. Is your dad out of work again? I bought an album yesterday by a new group called The Rolling Stones. My dad listened to “Satisfaction” and ordered me to destroy the record because he considers the lyrics indecent. I think they’re swell.

Have you seen the show Get Smart? I laughed all the way through it. It’s so much better than My Mother the Car.

Jillian

Lesley’s Diary

October 26, 1965

Buck phoned and this time I was unlucky enough to answer. He begged me to see him. I said no, but he turned up at the house anyway and insisted on taking me to the Dairy Queen for a Dilly bar. I didn’t want to go, but my dad asked me if I considered myself too good for a man who worked at the mill. I told him not seeing Buck didn’t have anything to do with his job.

Buck and I sat and talked at the Dairy Queen and he apologized over and over. He promised me nothing like that will happen again. He seemed so sincere. Tears came to his eyes and I wanted to believe him. Then, when we got in his car, we started kissing. Before I realized what he was planning to do, he had his hand up my dress. I could see he was getting excited and I immediately put an end to our necking. Buck got mad and what he said made me feel kind of guilty. He kept saying how crazy he is about me and how much he needs me. We ended up doing it again. I could’ve stopped him, but I didn’t. At least it didn’t hurt this time. When we finished I started crying. Buck didn’t understand why. I’m not sure I do, either, but I couldn’t make myself stop. I told him it would be better if we didn’t see each other again and he said it’s because I think I’m too good for him, just the way Dad claimed. He dropped me off at the house and then took off with his tires squealing.

Murphy’s Texaco Charge Slip

November 20, 1965

Jillian’s Diary

December 14, 1965

I stopped at the Texaco station with a fruitcake for Mr. Murphy. He seemed surprised that a customer would remember him at Christmas and gave me an entire set of matching juice glasses. Jimmy knew I’d been collecting them whenever I filled up my tank and must have told his father. I was disappointed Nick wasn’t there.

Last week I saw him riding his motorcycle in front of Holy Name Academy and wondered if he was looking for me. I hope he was. My heart beat so fast when I saw him. He pumps my gas almost every time I come to the station now. Sometimes we talk, but he’s usually too busy to say more than hello.

Lesley warned me that I’m flirting with danger. She says Nick is dangerous. I see it in his eyes and the way he looks at me, as though I’m the only girl he’s ever wanted. Whenever he focuses on me, I can actually feel it. The air between us gets hot and heavy like it does before a big storm. This shivery feeling goes all through me and doesn’t stop for a long time afterward.

I’d be a fool to break it off with Scott. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to hurt Scott’s feelings, but I’m drawn to Nick the way a moth is to a flame. Scott has been a good boyfriend and I’m the envy of every girl at school. I know if I broke up with him, he wouldn’t have any trouble getting a new girlfriend. That makes me wonder if I should stop seeing him.

Nick has never asked me out, never called me at home. For the longest time I didn’t even think he remembered my name. The most he’s done is fill up my car with gas and flirt a little. I can’t hurt Scott over that. Not when he’s been so sweet and considerate.

Speaking of breaking up, I wish Lesley would dump Buck Knowles. He treats her terribly. At first it was exciting that Buck wanted to date Lesley. He recently turned twenty-two and no one else in class is dating anyone that much older. The fact that he’s so attracted to her tells us all that we’re no longer girls; we’re women now. But I don’t care how much older and more sophisticated Buck is. He doesn’t treat Lesley the same way he did when they first started seeing each other.

I don’t know what’s wrong with her lately, but she hasn’t been herself. She tells me she’s going to break up with Buck and then she never does. When I ask her about it, she always has some excuse for why she can’t. It’s like she’s caught in a trap and doesn’t know how to break free.

The whole world seems to be in turmoil. The war in Vietnam is heating up and there was a huge protest rally in Oakland. When I asked my dad about it, he said it was vital that we wipe out Communism. He thinks it’s a good idea for the United States to be involved in the war. My father is the smartest man I know. If he believes in this war, then I’ll do whatever I can to support it.

I finally figured out what I’m getting Mom for Christmas—a book. I know that sounds boring, but she enjoys reading and The Shoes of the Fisherman by Morris West is one I know she’d enjoy. Dad subtly dropped that hint, and I was grateful.

Les and I should be able to spend time together over Christmas break, and maybe then she can tell me what’s wrong, because something definitely is. I’ve been her best friend since first grade. I know her as well as she does herself. Whatever it is has to do with Buck, I’m convinced of that.

1966

January 3rd

Latin Class

Dear Jillian,

You want to know what my New Year’s resolution is? First and foremost it’s getting that scholarship from the Soroptimists. I want to be a nurse. Secondly, I’m going to break up with Buck. I mean it this time. Meet me after class.

Lesley

Latin Class

Les,

Where have I heard that before? I’ve got a dentist appointment after Latin. Call me tonight, okay?

Jillian

Jillian’s Diary

January 3, 1966

Today was the first day back at school following Christmas break, and it was hectic. Lesley and I had lunch together and we passed notes in Latin class. Sister Angelica is half-blind and hasn’t got a clue what’s going on behind her back. I’m so happy Lesley is breaking up with Buck. This time she sounds serious about it. I hope so.

She told me her resolution for this year, but I didn’t tell her mine. I haven’t told anyone. I can’t. I want Nick Murphy to kiss me. He’s so cute and he’s got that dangerous kind of sexiness. He even looks like trouble in his black leather jacket, riding his motorcycle. He makes me go all shaky every time I’m near him.

I know Mom and Dad would never let me date him. In their view, anyone who drives a motorcycle is part of a biker gang. I think Nick might’ve gotten into some sort of trouble with the law, too. Dad mentioned that he didn’t think I should gas up at the Texaco station anymore. I asked him why and he said those Murphys were hotheads. I didn’t dare show too much curiosity about that, but I’m paying cash for my gasoline these days instead of using credit.

One kiss is all I want and then I’ll be satisfied. Then I can go on with my life and he can continue with his. My curiosity will be satisfied and Scott need never know.

January 20, 1966

Dear Lesley,

You won’t answer my phone calls so I’m forced to write you a note and bribe your little sister into giving it to you. The least you can do is talk to me! How are we going to solve our problems if you refuse to have anything to do with me? I know you’re upset about what’s happened the last few times we went out. But you’ve got to understand, baby, that kind of frustration can lead to serious physical problems.

Can’t you tell I’m crazy about you? You’re the smartest girl I ever met and you go to that fancy Catholic girls’ school. I felt like the luckiest man alive when you said you’d date a high school dropout like me. I can’t let you go. You’re the most important thing in my life.

Are you going to the school dance Friday night after the basketball game? Your brother said he could find a way to sneak me into the gym. I’ll look for you there. Whatever’s wrong, I’ll make it right. You have my word on that.

Buck

Lesley’s Diary

January 21, 1966

I am so stupid. I can’t believe what a disaster tonight was. I swore to myself that if Buck showed up at the school dance, I wouldn’t talk to him. Sure enough, he was there. He’s everywhere lately. Last Sunday he sat in the pew behind me during Mass. He must be leaving work early because he’s parked outside the Academy most afternoons, waiting for me. Thank goodness Jillian’s been driving me home. Apparently he had words with my dad about the job, because he hasn’t been coming over to the house much. That helps. It’s been three weeks and I’ve managed to avoid him thus far. Still, he won’t leave me alone. No one knows how awful it is to keep looking over my shoulder, worrying and wondering if he’s following me.

Then he came to the school dance and it seemed everyone there was watching us. Jillian was with Scott or she would’ve helped me. I didn’t want to create a scene and I was afraid Buck was going to pick a fight with Roy Kloster, so I agreed to dance with him. It was awful, a slow dance by The Mamas and The Papas. Buck held me close, closer than I wanted, and he kept whispering in my ear how crazy he is about me and how he can’t sleep nights because he needs me so much.

I was proud of myself because I told him I don’t think we’re good for each other. It’s true. All we do is argue. We don’t view life the same way. When he drinks it’s like seeing my dad. I told Buck that, and he got mad. He said I was playing hard to get and there were plenty of other girls interested in him. That’s when I said those other girls were welcome to him and walked off the dance floor.

Buck left the dance in a huff, but waited for me outside the gym. When I didn’t come out soon enough to suit him, he found Mikey and sent him inside to get me. Buck threatened to yell until I agreed to come out and talk to him. I should never have done it, especially alone, but I couldn’t find Jillian and I didn’t want to involve Mikey or Susan in this. I could tell Buck had fortified his courage with beer. I realize now it would’ve been better to return immediately to the dance. Instead I tried to reason with him, but Buck was angry just like Dad gets angry and in no mood to listen. He wanted what he’s always wanted from me. Before I could stop him, Buck shoved me against the side of the school and kissed me. I tried to break free, but he tore open the front of my blouse and started mauling my breasts. I don’t know what would’ve happened if Father Morris hadn’t happened upon us. He told me to straighten my clothes and get back to the dance.

I don’t know what he said to Buck afterward. I don’t want to know. Father Morris. Ye gads, how am I going to look him in the face again? When I got home from the dance, I wanted to talk to Mom, but she’d had another fight with Dad and was trying to hide that she’d been crying. I sat with her while she talked about Star Trek, this new television series she likes. Mom has troubles enough of her own without listening to mine, so I didn’t tell her anything.