A Bit of a Do

‘Mum. She’s a bit upset.’

‘Oh. “Mum”! Upset?’

‘Yes. You know, losing a son, all that. You know my mum. Well, no, you don’t, but … you know.’

‘You’d like me to have a little chat with her?’

‘Well … yes … if you could. Now that we’re related. She’s … er … not always that good with people. You know. So, if you could sort of … you know … without her knowing that … you know … that’d be great.’

‘Fine. Fine. Well … fine. Yes. I’ll just top up my glass and … er … steam in. Yes.’

Jenny had to wait for her chance to talk to Ted. He was being buttonholed by Elvis. They were standing in front of the buffet, blocking access to the plate of tuna fish vol-au-vents, but nobody seemed to mind.

‘Dad?’ Elvis was saying. ‘What would you do if I said that I’d like a job at the foundry? I mean, it’s a hypothetical question.’

‘Of course. Well, I’d say “Oh ho! We’ve changed our tune a bit, haven’t we?”’

‘Supposing I said, “Yes, I admit it. I have. I realize now that toasting forks have their place in the scheme of things. Mankind needs door knockers as well as linguistic analysis.”’

‘Well … I’d … I’d say the same thing as I said to our Paul. I’d say … “You’ll respect yourself more if you can make your own way in the world.” So, it’s lucky the question’s hypothetical, isn’t it?’

‘Yes. Yes, it is. Very lucky.’

Elvis went off to insult Simon Rodenhurst, but before Jenny could steam in, Ted had seen Neville Badger looking lost, and had steamed in on him.

‘There’s no need to bother with me, you know,’ was Neville’s encouraging opening gambit.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘I shouldn’t have come. People disappear when I approach them. They form groups to exclude me.’

‘Surely not? This is England. This is Yorkshire.’

‘Oh, I don’t blame them. They aren’t being callous. They just can’t cope. Oh God, here comes poor Neville who talks about his dead wife and has tears in his eyes. You’d think a solicitor would know that grown men don’t cry. It’s so embarrassing.’

‘Neville!’

‘She’d have loved this day. She adored Jenny.’

‘What can I say?’

‘Precisely. Leave me be, Ted. I’m a ship without a rudder, drifting on a cold grey sea.’

‘Exactly! So you’re the very man.’

‘What?’

‘I know a harbour where there’s a peeling old houseboat that could do with a lick of paint.’

‘Peeling old houseboat?’

‘My wife. She’s in the garden. She’s finding this difficult too. Would it be too much trouble for you to …?’

‘… bring my charm to bear? Why not? There’ll be some point in my existing for ten minutes or so.’

‘Take her some tuna fish vol-au-vents. She loves them.’

‘Right. I’ll just top up my glass and … steam in.’

Neville Badger turned away to collect his cargo of vol-au-vents, and Jenny bore down on Ted.

‘Hello, Jenny!’ said Ted with an exclamation mark in his voice which meant, ‘How lovely you still look.’

‘I’d like to feel that our two families can be friends,’ said Jenny.

‘Oh, so would I. Very much so. Very much so.’

‘Go and talk to Mum. I’d like you to get to know her better.’

‘Bloody hell. I mean …’

‘Please! She won’t eat you.’

‘Possibly not.’

‘If only you’d give her a chance, I’m sure you’d get on. She isn’t too bad.’

‘No, I … er … I’m sure she … well … right … yes … OK … I’ll … I’ll give her a chance, Jenny.’

Jenny led Ted over to Liz, who was at one of the windows, admiring the peacocks with Laurence’s Aunt Gladys from Oswestry.

‘Such stylish birds,’ Aunt Gladys was saying. ‘They quite put some people to shame.’

‘Do you mind if I borrow Mum, Auntie Gladys?’ said Jenny.

‘You may borrow your mother,’ said Aunt Gladys. ‘But I do hate to hear you call her “Mum”.’

Aunt Gladys sailed away, an old tea-clipper, splendid and obsolete. She had found an artificial pearl in her portion of cake, and Liz had felt that her outrage was almost as much because it wasn’t real as because it shouldn’t have been there at all.

‘Mum?’ said Jenny. ‘I want you and Ted to be friends.’

‘Oh! Well, that’s nice.’ Liz’s eyes met Ted’s briefly. Neither dared hold the look for long. ‘That’s very nice. Well … I don’t see why we shouldn’t try to be friends, do you, Ted?’

‘No. No, I don’t. No … I don’t see why we … er … shouldn’t try and be friends at all.’

‘Good.’ Jenny moved off, with the satisfaction of a job well done.

‘If she knew,’ said Liz.