Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers

A LAST FAREWELL

Private Doolan was six feet three inches in his socks. Beside him the sergeant on duty was a bantam.

“Head up there, Doolan!” he cried. Doolan raised his head.

“Up higher,” shouted the little sergeant.

“There, that’s better. Don’t let me see you with your head down again.”

“Am I to be always like this?” asked Doolan, staring away above the little man’s head.

“You are.”

“Then I’ll say good-bye to ye, sergeant, for I’ll never see ye again.”

TOO MODEST BY FAR

During a camp parade of the buglers recently an Irish corporal was in charge. He was asked by the commanding officer if all the buglers were present: He replied: “No, sorr, wan man absent.”

“Well, then,” said the officer, “go and find him and ask him what he has to say for himself.”

A few minutes later Pat came running back. “Shure, sorr,” he cried, “and weren’t we a pair of duffers not to know it? It wor meself. Bedad, sorr, Oi forgot to call me own name entoirely.”

ANOTHER WAR CASUALTY

“You don’t seem to feel so enthusiastic as usual about speech-making.”

“Well,” answered Senator Sorghum, “times have changed and it isn’t so easy for a man in a silk hat and a frock-coat to stand out before a lot of men in khaki uniforms or overalls and assert that he is saving the country all by himself.”

PREACHER HAD A SCOOP

An editor in the Far West dropped into church for the first time in many years. The minister was in the very heart of the sermon. The editor listened for a while, and then rushed to his office.

“What are you fellows doing? How about the news from the seat of war?”

“What news?”

“Why, all this about the Egyptian Army being drowned in the Red Sea. The minister up at the church knows all about it, and you have not a word of it in our latest. Bustle round, you fellows, and get out an extra-special edition.”

THERE IS TIME FOR BOTH

One industrious war-gardener is pictured as working busily and reflecting on the virtue of raising his own food-supply.

“If everybody grew his own vegetables and ate less meat,” he soliloquized, “we’d put old Bill on the bum in a hurry. This is tough work, but I’ll stick to it if it kills me. I’m with Hoover on this.”

At this point a fine assortment of earthworms was unearthed. The digger’s reflections immediately shifted to a shady stream and the final scene shows him happily fishing.

“Oh, well,” he reflects to soothe his conscience, “vegetables or fish; it’s all the same to Mr. Hoover.”

THEY DO SOUND ALIKE

“Now,” said the Colonel, looking along the line of recruits, “I want a good smart bugler.”

At that out stepped a dilapidated fellow who had a thick stubble of black beard.

“What!” said the colonel, eying him up and down. “Are you a bugler?”

“Oh, bugler!” said he. “I thought you said burglar.”

NO TIME TO SAY ALL OF IT

“So,” sobbed Ilma Vladoffovitchskioffsky, “Ivan Nine-spotski died in battle. You say he uttered my name as he was dying?”

“Part of it,” replied the returned soldier – “part of it.”

NO MAIL TO HADES

Willie Hohenzollern (after Berlin fell) – “But, mein friendt, I want to write a letter to papa.”

Yankee Guard – “Nothin’ doin’, Heinie. We don’t have asbestos stationery around here.”

MORE TO THE PURPOSE

Officer – “So you captured a thousand Germans by just calling across No Man’s Land. What did you do – promise them a square deal if they surrendered?”

Yankee Private – “No; I promised them a square meal.” —Life.

WHAT WE MAY EXPECT NOW

The war was over and the new woman was fully developed. Gone were the petticoats and faldelals. Women aimed at being rational in character and dress.

In such an after-the-war household Mr. Bigboy was washing out baby’s bottle when his wife came down dressed for going out.

“Are you going out?” whined Mr. Bigboy.

“Yes,” said his wife, patting his cheek. “It’s the big meeting at the lodge.”

“Then – then,” said the man, and his lips trembled, “if you’re not in by 11 o’clock I’ll – I’ll go home to father.”

EIGHT MILES FOR HIM

A story is told of a German spy who was captured within the English lines in France. An English Tommy was detailed by his commander to march the German four miles back of the lines and there shoot him. After marching through mud and water for four miles, all tired out and rain soaked, the pair finally reached the four-mile point. The German was exasperated by this time and blurted: “Vot’s the idea of marching me four miles through mud and rain to be shot?”

“My word,” the English Tommy said. “What are you kicking about? Think of me. I gotta walk back!”

NO FIGHTING FOR HIM

One of the recruiting canvassers in an English provincial town was a well-known magistrate. In most cases he succeeded in obtaining the promises he wished, but at last he knocked at one cottage-door which was opened to him by a sturdy son of the soil.

“My man,” said the magistrate, in his most persuasive tones, “are you willing to fight for your King and country?”

“No, I beant, sir,” was the prompt reply. “An’ I be surprized at you askin’ me for to do it. Two years ago come next month you yourself fined I twenty shillings for fighting wi’ Bill Smith, and you said it wor wicked to fight, an’ I promised you as I wouldn’t repeat the offense, an’ allus kept my word.”

HOW HUNS TICKLED THEMSELVES

Berlin, April – There is no question that terrible damage was caused in London by the latest Zeppelin raid. The commander of the Zeppelin L-10 has brought back with him to Germany a sketch which he made while he was flying over the British metropolis. It clearly shows the houses of Parliament in flames and Sir Edward Grey running along Piccadilly with his coat-tails afire. The sketch has been warmly commended by art and military critics.

’TWASN’T HIS FAULT

An English girl gave General Pershing quite a jolt while he was in London. She had been placed at his disposal as the driver of his automobile. One day he said to his girl driver:

“Can you please come for me here at the War Office at 6 o’clock?”

“Yes, General,” answered the girl.

At six o’clock, military-like, the General was on the steps awaiting his car.

At three minutes past six it swung to the curb. The General, with his eyes a-twinkle, said to the girl, as he took out his watch: “You are three minutes late.”

“That should hardly count with you, General,” was the instant answer. “You are three years late.”

VERY GOOD, PUNCH

A Chertsey pig-breeder has been granted total exemption. The pen, it seems, is still mightier than the sword. —Punch.

HE KNEW ABOUT COWS

Mrs. Parker – “Now, young man, why aren’t you at the Front?”

Young Man (milking cow) – “’Cos there ain’t any milk that end, missus!”

WILLING TO TREAT

Examining Surgeon – “Have you any scars?”

Rookie Marine Applicant – “No, sir; but I have some cigarets in my coat over there.”

AND FULL OF TABASCO

“Are they seasoned troops?”

“They ought to be. They were first mustered in by their officers, and then peppered by the enemy.”

CAUSE FOR DEPRESSION

“No, my ’usband ain’t killed, Mrs. Marks. No sooner did I put all the kids in mournin’, even to Biby in the pram, when I gets a telegram a sayin’ ’e’s alive and well. Yes, an’ all this expense for nothin’.”

“Wot a crool shame!”

ENOUGH TO WARRANT EXEMPTION

Recruiting Officer – “How about joining the colors? Have you anyone dependent on you?”

Motorist – “Have I? There are two garage owners, six mechanics, four tire dealers, and every gasoline agent within a radius of 125 miles.”

CHANGED HIS TUNE

Cockney Tommy (surveying fat German soldier who, being brought in a prisoner, still has his hands up): “Blow me if this ain’t the old blighter who used to play, ‘I fear no foe in shining armor’ dahn ahr street.”

FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW

It is, of course, well known that Sir Douglas Haig is a soldier first, last and all the time, regarding all other professions as of quite negligible importance, a trait in his character which lends point to the anecdote.

He was, it appears, inspecting a cavalry troop, and was particularly struck with the neat way in which repairs had been made in some of the saddles.

“Very good work,” he remarked to the troop sergeant-major. “Who did it?”

“Two of my troopers, sir,” was the reply.

“You’re fortunate to have two such expert saddlers in your troop,” said Haig.

“As a matter of fact, sir,” was the reply, “they’re not saddlers, in civil life being lawyers.”

“Well,” ejaculated Sir Douglas, “how men who can do work like that could have wasted their lives over law I can’t imagine!”

THOSE PET NAMES FOR OFFICERS

A very tall, thin lieutenant reported in Flanders to a Canadian battalion commanded by a bald, elderly colonel. After a few days he approached his commander and asked permission to air a grievance.

“I wish you would use your influence, sir, to restrain my platoon from referring to me as ‘Legs,’” he said.

“Sure, my lad, sure,” replied the Colonel solemnly, “if you’ll use yours to stop my whole battalion calling me ‘Old Baldy.’”

TOO MUCH HARVARD

“That ’ere Yank’s an educated toff from ’arvard,” said Tommy Atkins, leaning on his spade. “I’m jolly well weary of ’is learnin’, too, that I am. We’re ordered to throw up trenches along the Marne, and as ’e picks up ’is spade, th’ bloomin’ college blighter says, says ’e: ‘Well, Tommy, come on; it looks like we’re infra dig!’ And wot I says is: Blarst a college education, anyhow, eh?”

WOULDN’T INSULT THE JACK

On a road in Belgium a German officer met a boy leading a jackass, and addressed him in heavy jovial fashion as follows:

“That’s a fine jackass you have, my son. What do you call it?.. Albert, I bet!”

“Oh, no, officer,” the boy replied quickly. “I think too highly of my King.”

The German scowled and returned: “I hope you don’t dare to call it William.”

“Oh, no, officer. I think too highly of my jackass.”

ONE WAY TO GET EVEN

Here is a story our wounded boys have brought back from the front about Sir Douglas Haig.

Sir Douglas was in a great hurry to get to a certain place. He found his car, but the chauffeur was missing. So Sir Douglas got in the car and drove off by himself. Then the driver appeared and saw the car disappearing in the distance.

“Great Scot!” cried the driver, “there’s ’Aig a-driving my car!”

“Well, get even with him,” said a Tommy, standing by, “and go and fight one of ’is battles for him.”

“HONEY” DRAWS THE LINE

WILLING TO EXPLAIN

Staff Colonel – “Your reports should be written in such manner that even the most ignorant may understand them.”

Sergeant – “Well, sir, what part is it that you don’t understand?”

CAUSE FOR ANNOYANCE

The latest example of English as she is spoken comes from Egypt, where a native interpreter, who had overstayed his leave, wrote the following letter to his chief:

“My absence is impossible. Someone has removed my wife. My God, I am annoyed.”

SHE KNEW HIS MERITS

Her son had enlisted, and she was a proud old woman as she harangued a knot of friends on the village street. “Jarge always done ’is duty by me, ’e did, an’ now ’e’s doin’ ’is duty by King an’ country,” she said. “I feel right down sorry for them Germans, to think of ’im goin’ into battle with ’is rifle in ’is ’and and ‘It’s a Long Way to Tipperary’ on ’is lips.”

“Poor Germans, indeed!” exclaimed one of the audience. “Pity’s wasted on ’em! P’r’aps you ’aven’t ’eard of their cruelties?”

“P’r’aps I ’aven’t,” agreed the old lady. “An’ p’raps you ’aven’t ’eard Jarge sing.”

CENSORING THE CLOUDS

Rural Constable – “Sketching the harbor is forbidden, sir.”

Artist – “Oh, that’s all right. I’m making a study of clouds.”

Rural Constable (impressively) – “Ah, but supposin’ your picture got into the hands of the enemy’s aircraft department, see the use they could make of it!” —Punch.

IT CAN’T BE DONE

All this talk of hyphenated citizenship has evidently had its effect upon a San Francisco youngster, American-born, who recently rebelled fiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor.

“But, Tommaso, your father has a right to whip you when you are bad,” someone of the family said.

Tommaso’s eyes flashed. “I am a citizen of the United States,” he declared. “Do you think I am going to let any foreigner lick me?”

A TWO-BIT HERO

“I’m going to decorate you for bravery, Mr. Wadleigh. Put this French war-orphan medal on your coat.”

“But I haven’t performed any deed of heroism.”

“But you will when you give up twenty-five cents.”

ONE OF THE FEW THAT HAVE

“Can you tell me,” said the Court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, under examination at Union Hill, N.J., as to his qualifications for citizenship, “the difference between the powers and prerogatives of the King of England and those of the President of the United States?”

“Yezzir,” spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. “King, he got steady job.”

HOWL INDEFINITELY POSTPONED

One of the good stories in circulation is told by Joe Tumulty, secretary to the President. He likes his job, but he dislikes one thing about it: that he can’t tell the boys – the friendly reporters – about all they wish to know. He illustrated his inability to give information once by quoting the case of Johnny.

Johnny was crying in the hall as his mother came along, hatted and coated. She asked what had happened.

“You are going away; and so is papa!” Johnny sobbed.

“Why, child, I shall be away two or three days, but father is not going away!”

“Yes, he is!” cried Johnny. “He’s going to Rome.”

“Rome? What do you mean, dear?” asked the surprised mother.

“He said today to Mr. Brown that he would make Rome howl when you left!”

“Indeed! Well, dear, I sha’n’t leave you now.”

AND THEY DRINK GRAPE JUICE

A torpedo with a corkscrew course has been observed. If it misses the port side it turns and strikes the starboard; sometimes on missing there it even turns again, striking the port side. The ship’s officer unaccountably omitted to add that after the explosion the fragments reunite and return to the submarine as a complete missile ready to be fired anew. —New York Sun.

LESS METERS, LESS GAS

John – “The French have gained four hundred meters from the enemy.”

Auntie – “How splendid! That should help to put a stop to those dreadful gas-attacks!”

YOU KNOW THAT PAPER

First War Correspondent – “Did your dispatch get past the censor?”

Second War Correspondent – “Only the part that wasn’t true.”

“Well, isn’t that all your paper wants?” —Life.

CHANCE TO GET EVEN

“Footlyte actually seemed pleased at leaving a $300-per-week theatrical engagement to serve as a $30-per-month sergeant in France.”

“Why not? Three dramatic critics are privates in his company.”

THE WAY THINGS LOOKED IN 1916

“Before I left the United States,” said Col. George Harvey in London, “I agreed with a Columbia professor who said preponderant power in men and money was bound to win the war; but now I have a stronger argument – one which fell from the lips of a recruiting sergeant in the Strand yesterday.

“‘Don’t you want to be on the winning side?’ said the soldier to a group of civilians who he was suggesting should don khaki.

“‘How do you know ours will be the winning side?’ asked a prospective recruit.

“‘Well, my lad,’ said the sergeant, ‘you know the Germans have been trying for more than a year and a half to win and have failed, don’t you?’

“‘Yes,’ replied the questioner.

“‘Well, then, we’ve been trying to lose during the same period and we couldn’t.’”

CAUSE FOR REJOICING

As the regiment was leaving, and a crowd cheering, a recruit asked: “Who are all those people who are cheering?”

“They,” replied the veteran, “are the people who are not going.” —Life.

BUT NOT THIS TIME

Officer (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get taken on as a bugler, has given his age as sixteen) – “Do you know where boys go who tell lies?”

Applicant – “To the front, sir.”

EVIDENCE OF REFINEMENT

Two fair munition workers were discussing their personal affairs.

“Got a chap yet, Liz?” inquired one.

“Yes; and he’s a regular toff. He’s manager at – .”

“You don’t say so! Why, they tell me he’s real refined.”

“Rather! Why, he took me to a restaurant last week, and when we had coffee he poured it into a saucer to cool it, but he didn’t blow it like common people would – he fanned it with his hat!”

EVENING THINGS UP

A farmer the other day took a plowshare to the blacksmith’s to be sharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled and bragged about a sale of hogs he had just made.

“Them hogs was only eight months old,” he said, “and none too fat, nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits’ end, and by skillful jugglin’ I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum, I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war.”

The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents.

“Hold on,” said the smith; “I charge $1.50 for that job now.”

“You scandalous rascal!” yelled the farmer. “What do you mean by treblin’ your price on me? What have you done it for?”

“I’ve done it,” said the blacksmith, “so’s I’ll be able to eat some of that high-priced pork of yours this winter.”

AN INTERIOR PROBLEM

“Those Germans are certainly efficient,” said father at the breakfast table.

“How so? How?” asked mother.

“Why,” said father, “I see they have put the whole question of the food supply into the hands of the Minister of the Interior.”

BEEN “GETTING UP” EVER SINCE

When Gen. Leonard Wood was a small boy he was called up in the grammar class.

The teacher said: “Leonard, give me a sentence and we’ll see if we can change it to the imperative mood.”

“The horse draws the cart,” said Leonard.

“Very good. Now change it to an imperative.”

“Get up!” said young Wood.

MERELY A WAY-STATION

“Going to France?” asked a traveling man at the station of a negro soldier.

“No, sah! I’se not going to France,” replied the dusky soldier. “I’se goin’ to Berlin, but I may stop in France for a showt time on de way.”

OBEYING ORDERS

He was a new and not very intelligent soldier, and took Army Regulations very seriously. He was strolling down the Strand smoking a pipe, when he was passed by a Brigadier-General. When he failed to salute, the mighty one pulled him up.

“Why the deuce didn’t you salute me?” he roared.

“Well, sir,” replied the delinquent, secure in the consciousness of an adequate excuse, “my sergeant has always taught me never to salute with a pipe in my mouth!”

NO ABSENT TREATMENT WANTED

A party of wounded marines were being taken to a base-hospital on a much over-crowded motor-truck. The nurse accompanying them became anxious about their wounds.

“I hope I am not hurting any of you,” she said.

“You’re hurting me a lot,” replied one of the soldiers.

“But I am nowhere near you,” exclaimed the nurse indignantly.

“That’s what’s hurting me,” was the calm reply.

CAUSE FOR CONFIDENCE

An English private had captured a German captain. Tommy marched his prisoner into headquarters with the air of a major-general on parade and stood waiting for his turn to deliver over his captive.

The German captain smirked disdainfully, glanced about the tent, and hissed at Tommy, “You stupid English, you dink dat you vill vin dis var. Vell, I tell you dot you von’t, for ve haf the German Gott on our side.”

“That’s all right, old boy,” replied Tommy promptly, “we’ve got the Yanks on ours.”

JUST GOT ON TO IT

Captain: “You say this man called you a hippopotamus four weeks ago. Why report it now?”

Sergeant: “Because I only seen a hipperpotamus for the first time yesterday, sir!”

READY FOR ANY SNAKE

“This is no time to talk peace,” declared Representative Thomas Heflin, of Alabama. “Rather it is the time to keep on preparing. Germany dragged us into this war against our will, and now that we are in it we have to go through with it. We can win this war in a year beyond doubt, but we have got to keep going. The United States is in pretty good shape now, and there is no reason why we should talk peace.

“There was an old fellow down in north Alabama and out in the mountains; he kept his jug in the hole of a log. He would go down at sundown to take a swig of mountain dew – mountain dew that had never been humiliated by a revenue officer nor insulted by a green stamp. He drank that liquid concoction that came fresh from the heart of the corn, and he glowed. One evening while he was letting the good liquor trickle down his throat he felt something touch his foot. He looked down and saw a big rattlesnake coiled ready to strike.

“The old fellow took another swig of the corn, and in defiance he swept that snake with his eyes.

“‘Strike, dern you, strike; you will never find me better prepared.’

“That’s the way I feel about the present situation.”

DID HE GET HER MEANING?

“If you refuse to marry me I’ll enlist.”

“What a pity you did not ask me four years ago.”

IT’S THE SHELLS

Waiter – “Yes, sir; omelets has gone up on account of the war.”

Diner – “Great Scott! Are they throwing eggs at each other now?”

OFFENSIVE PREPARATIONS

German General – “Have our brave troops been informed that we shall be in Paris in four days?”

Subordinate – “Yes, General.”

“They understand that the Great War was forced upon us?”

“Perfectly, General.”

“They have been told that the Americans always kill our machine gunners if they surrender?”

“That is well understood, General.”

“They have been instructed that the few Americans opposed to us are cowardly and inexperienced?”

“Hand-bills announcing that fact are passed around each evening.”

“Then let the offensive begin.”

GETTING BACK AT HEINE

A German sergeant on the staff of a prison hospital in Germany, where a number of captured English officers were being treated, became quite friendly with the prisoners under his care. One day he told them that he had been ordered to active service on the Somme front. He felt convinced that he would be captured by the English, and asked the English officers if they would not give him some sort of testimonial which he could show if he were taken prisoner, so he would not be ill-treated.