In a Heartbeat

“I’ve been doing a lot of traveling. But, as always, it’s good to get home.” Caleb punched the elevator button.

“It’s nice to have you back.” Ricky held out the package. “This came for you today.”

“Thanks.” The elevator dinged and the door swooshed open. With a parting nod to Ricky, Caleb stepped into the elevator and pressed the button that would take him to his penthouse apartment.

As the elevator carried him up, he looked at the return label on the brown wrapped package. It was from his aunt Fanny. He groaned inwardly. No telling what it contained.

Old age had given Fanny a dose of senility marked by occasional moments of semi-clarity. And in those moments she often sent a gift to her favorite nephew. Sometimes extravagant, sometimes inexpensive, the gifts were almost always utterly useless and often just plain odd.

He shifted the package from one arm to the other as he unlocked his apartment door. There was no sense of welcome as he entered the elegant suite. He’d lived here for almost nine months, but had done almost nothing to make the place his own. It was as sterile and impersonal as the hotel rooms he stayed in while traveling.

He tossed the package on the sofa, then went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. As he walked back toward the living room he loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt collar.

Sinking onto the sofa, he opened his beer, took a deep swallow, then leaned back and sighed in exhaustion. It felt as if he’d been on the run forever, looking over building sites, supervising construction, fighting with zoning commissions, and cursing inclement weather conditions.

He had huge jobs going on in a dozen states, had made more money in the last year than he’d ever spend in his lifetime. But tonight, he was just plain tired…tired of flights, tired of strange motel rooms, tired of work and all the hassles that came with being the owner of a multimillion-dollar construction company.

He finished his beer and returned to the kitchen for a second one. The empty apartment seemed to close in on him, and the silence became suffocating.

Back on the sofa he jabbed the button on the remote to turn on the television, welcoming the white noise that filled the stifling void.

Twisting off the top of the new beer, he eyed the package next to him, trying to guess what Fanny might have sent him. Her last gift had been an ashtray in the shape of a football stadium. Caleb had never smoked in his life.

He set his beer on the coffee table and picked up the package. It took him only seconds to rip away the brown wrapping paper and reveal a plain white oblong box. He pulled off the lid and gently shoved aside the pale pink tissue paper.

His breath hissed inward as he stared at the porcelain-faced, ruffle-clad doll with painted features and long, golden curls. Scarcely breathing, Caleb picked up the card that rested near the doll’s feet.

A birthday card.

For Katie.

Katie Rose McMann’s birthday was in two days. She would have been seven.

If she hadn’t died.

His crazy aunt Fanny had remembered Katie’s birthday, but had somehow forgotten that she’d passed away nine months before.

A burst of laughter exploded from Caleb’s lips, hysterical laughter that turned into a deep, wrenching sob.

He swallowed against it, fighting for control. He’d done so well. For the past nine months he’d managed to keep command over his emotions, but he felt his control slipping away as another sob choked in his throat.

He stood abruptly, the doll sliding from his lap, banging into the table and tipping over his beer bottle. He had to go…had to escape…had to get away from the dark despair that suddenly blinded him, threatened to paralyze him…threatened to consume him.

Katie. Her name reverberated in his brain, bringing with it a vision of her beloved face. That funny little grin, those bright blue eyes, the mop of golden curls and the chubby cheeks that made her appear half cherub, half pixie.

He stumbled to the French doors that led out onto a balcony. Air. He needed air. God…he couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe? What was wrong with him?

But he knew. Grief. He’d been running away from it for the last nine months, but now it had found him. It ripped at him, tore at his insides and he gripped his head with his hands as inchoate moans escaped him.

He stepped outside into the cool air. “Katie.” Her name began as a wail, then swelled inside him until he was screaming it over and over again, sobs shaking him as the night wind blew the sound of her name away.

He screamed her name until it was nothing more than a hoarse whisper of anguish. If only he hadn’t been in such a hurry that day. If only he’d made certain her seat belt was fastened. If only he’d been able to evade the truck that appeared out of nowhere and slammed into their car. But all the if-onlys in the world didn’t matter now. Katie was gone and nothing would ever bring her back again.

Carelessness had killed her. The carelessness of a tired truck driver, and Caleb’s own negligence had killed his baby girl.

He crumbled to the ground, his head bowed to his knees as tears blinded him. Never again would he hold her in his arms, smell the sweet scent of sunshine and bubble bath.

Never again would he see that special little smile, hear the childish giggles that had always made him grin despite his mood. And never again would he feel her warm little arms around his neck, hear her whisper in that beloved young voice, “I love you, Daddy Doodle.”

Grief could kill a man. Caleb knew he had to be dying. The pain in his heart was too great to bear, the emptiness in his soul too abysmal to survive.

It was said that people were never given more burdens than they could handle…but somewhere a mistake had been made. There had been too much loss in Caleb’s life. He’d grieved when his wife had died five years ago, but the grief had been necessarily short-lived. He’d had two-year-old Katie to raise, to nurture and love.

But this…this loss of his child was too much to bear. He wasn’t strong enough for this. How was he supposed to continue existing without the little girl who’d been his world, his life, his heart?

He had no idea how long he remained on the balcony. He cried until there were no more tears, cursed until there were no more words, and finally there was nothing left inside him except a chilling bleakness, an excruciating emptiness.

Wearily, not knowing how to go on, yet not knowing how not to, he pulled himself up and stumbled back into the apartment.

Depleted of energy, drained of emotion, he picked up the box containing the doll that had been the catalyst for his grief and placed the lid back on it. He uprighted the fallen beer bottle and sank onto the sofa.

His eyes felt gritty and his throat burned, but these were only mild discomforts compared to the pain in his heart. He could build enormous buildings, take raw wood and construct beautiful, lasting furniture, but he didn’t know how to piece his soul back together.

Dully, he stared at the television, where the late-night news was just winding down.

“And we end our newscast tonight with a happy story,” the perky blond announcer exclaimed. “Last week we brought you the story of sixteen-year-old Maria Lomax, who’d been blind since birth. Tonight, Maria can see, thanks to a miracle of modern medicine and through the generosity of a very special couple.”

The announcer’s picture disappeared and the screen filled with a picture of a hospital room where a lovely young girl was crying and hugging an older couple.

“John and Linda Corral lost their son a week ago to a motorcycle accident,” the female narrator continued. “But, in donating their son’s corneas, they gave the gift of sight to Maria, who can now see. Earlier this afternoon the couple met with Maria. John and Linda said the meeting provided the closure and healing they desperately needed, and they encourage everyone to consider organ donation.”

Closure and healing. Caleb’s mind worked to wrap around the concept behind those two words. It seemed impossible to comprehend while the agony of loss still encased him. Yet was it possible to find closure and healing? Was it possible to get past the pain that now debilitated him?

He squeezed his eyes tightly closed, drawing in deep, uneven gulps of air. There was no going back now. The floodgates of his grief had been opened by the arrival of the doll and he knew now that no matter how far he traveled, no matter how fast he ran, his grief would be inside him, consuming him.

He opened his eyes as a surge of energy ripped through him. For his own sanity and survival, it was time to look for his own healing, his own closure. And that’s exactly what he intended to do.

Chapter 1

She stood in her backyard, tossing a big, colorful ball up in the air, then catching it. Although she pretended to be interested solely in her game of catch, Caleb felt her gaze lingering on him with interest.

It had been the same for the past three days. Each afternoon, the little girl came out to play. The first day, she’d remained close to her house, eyeing him across the distance of her yard and his.

The second afternoon, she’d moved to the center of her yard, playing with the ball and watching Caleb as he worked to replace the rotten railings on the porch of his new home.

Today, she was playing near the fence that separated the two properties, and Caleb had a feeling this time she would talk to him.

The thought of connecting with her filled him with incredible anticipation and an equal amount of dread. Everything he’d done in the past month had been in the hope of making contact with Hannah Marie Clemmons.