Once Lost

She felt a burst of worry. Had something happened to Bill?

She reached for the doorknob and turned it.

To her alarm, the door was unlocked, and it swung open.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Bill’s apartment looked like it had been burglarized. Riley froze in the doorway for a moment, about to draw her gun in case an intruder was still here.

Then she relaxed. Those things strewn about everywhere were food wrappers and dirty plates and glasses. The place was a mess, but it was a personal mess.

She called out Bill’s name.

She heard no answer.

Then she called out again.

This time she thought she heard a groan from a nearby room.

Her heart pounded again as she hurried through the doorway into Bill’s bedroom. The room was dim and the blinds were closed. Bill was lying on the unmade bed, wearing rumpled clothes and staring up at the ceiling.

“Bill, why didn’t you answer when I called?” she asked somewhat irritably.

“I did,” he said in a near-whisper. “You didn’t hear me. Could you stop being so loud?”

Riley saw a nearly empty bourbon bottle sitting on the nightstand. Suddenly the whole scene became clear. She sat down on the bed beside him.

“I had kind of a rough night,” Bill said, trying to force a feeble chuckle. “You know what that’s like.”

“Yeah, I do,” Riley said.

After all, despair had driven her to her own binges and ensuing hangovers.

She touched his clammy forehead, imagining how sick he must feel.

“What set you off drinking?” she asked.

Bill groaned.

“It was my boys,” he said.

Then he fell silent. Riley hadn’t seen Bill’s two sons for a while. She guessed that they must be about nine and eleven years old by now.

“What about them?” Riley asked.

“They came over to visit yesterday. It didn’t go well. The place was a mess, and I was so irritable and edgy. They couldn’t wait to go home. Riley, it was awful. I was awful. One more visit like that, and Maggie won’t let me see them again. She’s looking for any excuse to cut them out of my life for good.”

Bill made a noise that sounded almost like a sob. But he didn’t seem to have the energy to cry. Riley suspected he’d done plenty of crying alone.

Bill said, “Riley, if I’m no good as a father, what good am I? I’m no good as an agent, not anymore. What’s left?”

Riley felt a stab of sadness in her throat.

“Bill, don’t talk like that,” she said. “You’re a great father. And you’re a great agent. Maybe not today but every other day of the year.”

Bill shook his head wearily.

“I sure didn’t feel like much of a dad yesterday. And I just keep hearing that shot. I keep remembering running into that building, seeing Lucy lying there bleeding.”

Riley felt her own body tremble a little.

She, too, remembered all too well.

Lucy had entered an abandoned building unaware of any danger, only to be taken down by a sniper’s bullet. Following close behind her, Bill had mistakenly shot a young man who had been trying to help. By the time Riley got there, Lucy had used her last ounce of strength to kill the sniper with multiple rounds.

Lucy had died moments later.

It had been an awful scene.

Riley couldn’t remember many worse situations in her entire career.

She said, “I got there even later than you did.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t shoot an innocent kid.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was dark. You had no way of knowing. Besides, that kid’s doing all right now.”

Bill shook his head. He held up a shaky hand.

“Look at me. Do I look like the kind of guy who can ever get back to work?”

Riley was almost angry now. He truly did look terrible – certainly not like the shrewd, brave partner she’d learned to trust with her life, nor the handsome man she’d felt rashly attracted to from time to time. And all this self-pity didn’t become him.

But she sternly reminded herself …

I’ve been there. I know what it’s like.

And when she’d been like this, Bill had always been there to get her through it.

Sometimes he’d had to be tough on her.

She figured he needed a bit of that toughness right now.

“You look like hell,” she said. “But the condition you’re in right now – well, you did to yourself. And you’re the only one who can fix it.”

Bill looked up into her eyes. She sensed that he was really paying attention to her now.

“Sit up,” she said. “Pull yourself together.”