Waiting

Riley gulped hard.

“It could have been better,” she said. “Actually, it was pretty bad.”

Ryan reached across the table and took her hand with an expression of sincere concern.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Riley wondered whether talking about it would make her feel better.

No, I’ll only start crying.

Besides, Ryan might not be happy that she’d actually gone out into the field today. They’d both been sure that she’d be doing her training safely indoors. Not that she’d been in any actual danger …

“I’d rather not get into any details,” Riley said. “But do you remember Special Agent Crivaro, the FBI man who saved my life back in Lanton?”

Ryan nodded.

Riley continued, “Well, he’s supposed to be mentoring me. But he’s got doubts now as to whether I belong in the program. And … I guess I’ve got doubts too. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.”

Ryan squeezed her hand and didn’t speak.

Riley wished he’d say something. But what did she want him to say?

What did she expect him to say?

After all, Ryan hadn’t been enthusiastic about Riley being in the program from the very start. He’d probably be just as happy if she dropped out—or even got kicked out.

Finally Ryan said, “Look, maybe it’s just not the right time for you to do this. I mean, you’re pregnant, we’re just getting moved into this new place, and I’m just getting started Parsons and Rittenhouse. Maybe you should just wait until—”

“Wait until when?” Riley said. “Until I’m a mom raising a kid? How is that going to work?”

Ryan’s eyes widened at Riley’s bitter tone. Even Riley was startled at the sound of her own voice.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”

Ryan said quietly, “Riley, you are going to be a mom raising a kid. We’re going to be parents. It’s a reality we both have to deal with, whether you keep training this summer or not.”

Riley was really struggling not to cry now. The future seemed so murky and mysterious.

She asked, “What am I going to do if I’m not in the program? I can’t just sit around this apartment all day.”

Ryan shrugged slightly.

“Well, you can always find a job, help with the expenses. Maybe some kind of temp work—something you can just walk away from whenever you get tired of doing it. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. There’s plenty of time to figure out what you really want to do. But before long, I could be successful enough that you wouldn’t have to work at all if you don’t want to.”

They both fell quiet for a moment.

Then Riley said, “So do you think I should quit?”

“What I think doesn’t matter,” Ryan said. “It’s your decision. And whatever you decide, I’ll do my best to back you up.”

They didn’t say much for the rest of the meal. After they finished eating, they watched TV for a while. Riley couldn’t really focus on what they were watching. She kept thinking about what Agent Crivaro had said …

“You’ve got to decide whether you’ve really got what it takes to stay in this program.”

The more Riley thought about it, the more doubt and uncertainty she felt.

After all, she had more than just herself to think about. There was Ryan, the baby, and even Agent Crivaro.

She remembered something else her would-be mentor had said …

“I pulled a lot of strings to get you into this program.”

And keeping her in the program wasn’t going to make Crivaro’s life any easier. He was likely to keep catching flak from colleagues who didn’t think Riley belonged there, especially if she didn’t live up to his expectations.

And she sure hadn’t lived up to his expectations today.

Ryan eventually took a shower and went to bed. Riley sat on the couch, continuing to mull over her choices.

Finally, she picked up a legal pad and started to draft a letter of resignation to Hoke Gilmer, the training supervisor. She was surprised at how much better she felt as she kept writing the letter. When she came to the end, she felt as if a load had been lifted from her mind.

This is the right choice, she thought.

She figured she would get up early tomorrow morning, tell Ryan about her decision, type her letter into his computer, then print it and send it out with the morning mail. She’d also make a phone call to Agent Crivaro, who would surely be relieved.

Finally, she went to bed, feeling much better about things. She found it easy to go to sleep.

Riley found herself walking into the J. Edgar Hoover Building.

What am I doing here? she wondered.

Then she noticed the legal pad in her hand, with her letter written on it.

Oh, yes, she realized.

I came to deliver this to Agent Gilmer personally.

She took the elevator down three floors, then went into the auditorium where the interns had met yesterday.

To her alarm, all the interns were seated in the auditorium watching her every move. Agent Gilmer was standing at the front of the auditorium, looking at her with his arms crossed.

“What do you want, Sweeney?” Gilmer asked, sounding a lot more stern than he had yesterday when he’d addressed the group.

Riley glanced at the interns, who gazed at her silently with accusing expressions.

Then she said to Gilmer, “I won’t take any of your time. I just need to give you this.”

She handed him the yellow legal pad.