Once Craved

“The chain killer, you mean. Well, he wasn’t the first man you killed.”

It was true – she’d used deadly force a number of times. But with Eugene, it had been very different. She’d thought about his death quite often, but she’d never talked to anybody about it before now.

“I didn’t use a gun, or a rock, or my fists,” she said. “I killed him with understanding, with empathy. My own mind is a deadly weapon. I’d never known that before. It terrifies me, Mike.”

Mike nodded sympathetically. “You know what Nietzsche said about looking too long into an abyss,” he said.

“The abyss also looks into you,” Riley said, finishing the familiar saying. “But I’ve done a lot more than look into an abyss. I’ve practically lived there. I’ve almost gotten comfortable there. It’s like a second home. It scares me to death, Mike. One of these days I might go into that abyss and never come back out. And who knows who I might hurt – or kill.”

“Well, then,” Mike said, leaning back in his chair. “Maybe we’re getting somewhere.”

Riley wasn’t so sure. And she didn’t feel any closer to making a decision.

*

When Riley walked through her front door a while later, April came galloping down the stairs to meet her.

“Oh, Mom, you’ve got to help me! Come on!”

Riley followed April up the stairs to her bedroom. An open suitcase was open on her bed and clothes were scattered all around it.

“I don’t know what to pack!” April said. “I’ve never had to do this before!”

Smiling at her daughter’s mixed panic and exhilaration, Riley set right to work helping her get her things together. April was leaving tomorrow morning on a school field trip – a week in nearby Washington, DC. She’d be going with a group of advanced American History students and their teachers.

When Riley had signed the forms and paid the extra fees for the trip, she’d had some qualms about it. Peterson had held April captive in Washington, and although that had been far off on the edge of the city, Riley worried that the trip might dredge up the trauma. But April seemed to be doing extremely well both academically and emotionally. And the trip was a wonderful opportunity.

As she and April teased each other lightheartedly about what to pack, Riley realized that she was having fun. That abyss that she and Mike had talked about a little while ago seemed far away. She still had a life outside of that abyss. It was a good life, and whatever she decided to do, she was determined to keep it.

While they were sorting things, Gabriela stepped into the room.

“Señora Riley, my cab will be here pronto, any minute,” she said, smiling. “I’m packed and ready. My things are at the door.”

Riley had almost forgotten that Gabriela was leaving. Since April was going to be away, Gabriela had asked for time off to visit relatives in Tennessee. Riley had cheerfully agreed.

Riley hugged Gabriela and said, “Buen viaje.”

Gabriela’s smile fading a little, she added, “Me preocupo.”

“You’re worried?” Riley asked in surprise. “What are you worried about, Gabriela?”

“You,” Gabriela said. “You will be all alone in this new house.”

Riley laughed a little. “Don’t worry, I can take care of myself.”

“But you have not been sola since so many bad things have happened,” Gabriela said. “I worry.”

Gabriela’s words gave Riley a slight turn. What she was saying was true. Ever since the ordeal with Peterson, at least April had always been around. Could a dark and frightening void open up in her new home? Was the abyss yawning even now?

“I’ll be fine,” Riley said. “Go have a good time with your family.”

Gabriela grinned and handed Riley an envelope. “This was in the mailbox,” she said.

Gabriela hugged April, then hugged Riley again, and went downstairs to wait for her cab.

“What is it, Mom?” April asked.

“I don’t know,” Riley said. “It wasn’t mailed.”

She tore the envelope open and found a plastic card inside. Decorative letters on the card proclaimed “Blaine’s Grill.” Below that she read aloud, “Dinner for two.”

“I guess it’s a gift card from our neighbor,” Riley said. “That’s nice of him. You and I can go there for dinner when we get back.”

“Mom!” April snorted. “He doesn’t mean you and me.”

“Why not?”

“He’s inviting you out to dinner.”

“Oh! Do you really think so? It doesn’t say that here.”

April shook her head. “Don’t be stupid. The man wants to date you. Crystal told me her dad likes you. And he’s really cute.”

Riley could feel her face flushing red. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had asked her on a date. She had been married to Ryan for so many years. Since their divorce she had been focused on getting settled in her new home and decisions to be made about her job.

“You’re blushing, Mom,” April said.

“Let’s get your stuff packed,” Riley grumbled. “I’ll have to think about all this later.”

They both went back to sorting through clothes. After a few minutes of silence, April said, “I’m kind of worried about you, Mom. Like Gabriela said …”

“I’ll be fine,” Riley said.

“Will you?”

Folding a blouse, Riley wasn’t sure what to answer. Surely she’d recently faced worse nightmares than an empty house – murderous psychopaths obsessed with chains, dolls, and blowtorches among them. But might a host of inner demons break loose when she was alone? Suddenly, a week began to feel like a long time. And the prospect of deciding whether or not to date the man who lived next door seemed scary in its own way.

I’ll handle it, Riley thought.

Besides, she still had another option. And it was about time to make a decision once and for all.

“I’ve been asked to work on a case,” Riley told April. “I’d have to go to Arizona right away.”

April stopped folding her clothes and looked at Riley.

“So you’re going to go, aren’t you?” she asked.

“I don’t know, April,” Riley said.