Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings

XXXVI.

'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.'

This iz good advise. I don't kno who waz the auther ov it, if I did, i wud go for rewarding him, either with a sett ov plated ware, or a prize in the art union. No man kould giv better advise, or consolashun; he ought tew hav a 2 story monament, when he dize, with an epitaff on it, founded on fack; he ought tew hav at leaste fifteen hundred little children named after him each year; he ought tew be nussed in men's memorys like a plesant dreme, that afterwards turned out tew be true. He ought to hav his fotograph taken bi evry new sky-lite in the land, he ought tew be sett tew musick, and be sung in conneckshun with the docksaloger; he ought tew be stereotyped, so that nu edishuns could constantly be worked oph tew meet the pressing demand.

"Giv the Devil hiz due." Yung man, this advise was got up for yu. If yu owe the Devil ennything pay him off at onse, and then discharge him, and dont hire him over agin at enny prise. That's what the author ment. Be honest, pay even the devil, if yu owe him, but dont owe him agin. If the proprietor ov this most worthy proverb, "Giv the devil hiz due," still lives, altho i haint had the pleasure ov an introducksion tew him, if he ever wants enny thing, even good advise, he kan git it in awl natiff purity and innersense, bi dropping a line tu his everlasting well wisher.

XXXVII.

WATCH DOGS

Mi dearly beloved christian friend, did yu ever visit enny body? Did yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs? Did yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs, and kept a grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog, with very long hare on hiz bak? – Did yu ever hav this grate lank, yeller-devil dog cum loping down tu the frunt gate, tu welcum yu with a hiena yowl, and with the long hare on hiz bak pitching forward az tho it wud cum out bi the rutes, and his tale awl swelled up like a settin hen's? Kan yu rekolek the horrid fear that seized upon yu, and froze yu fast tu the arth, az the monster foamed in rage around yu? Yu gaze in agny tords the hous – it seems 3 weeks at least. At last the frunt door kautiously opens – yure lady friend recognizes yu: "Bless me! Mrs. Bingler, how glad i am tew cee yu! dew cum rite in. How pale the walk has made yu! Tiger! Tiger! hush yu! He is onla glad tew cee yu. Dew cum rite in, Mrs. Bingler." Mrs. Bingler, let me ask yu a question, privately: "Dew yu kandidly think that the luv yu bare for yure lady friend, Mrs. Baremore, who livs in the subberbs, iz enny kind ov atonement for the hate and horror that yu will alwus hav for the grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog Tiger that she keeps tew welcum her visitors with? If yu dew, please address, postage paid, Josh Billings, Box 467, Pokeepsie sitty."

XXXVIII.

ANSWER TO CONTRIBUTORS

Amerikus.– Your contribushun is in hand. We like its fluidness. It is like ile on a side hill. Natur haz did a good thing for yu, and yu ought tew be willing tew dew a good thing for natur. This line in your produkshun strikes us as very butiful and original; "And larn the luxury of dewing good." Gold smith hisself mite hav bin proud ov sich a line. And again; "Oh would sum power the gifty giv us, ov seeing oursels as uthers cee us;" yure idee ov indroducing the skotch acksent into yure stile, is verry happee. If yu never hav red Robert Burns, yu will be suprised to larn that his style verry mutch resembles yures. Onse more yu sa; "If ignoranse is bliss, tis folly tew be wise." This sentiment is jist as tru as tis common. Pope, I think, has sumthing similar; but awl grate minds sometimes express theirselfs alike. Yure contribushun will appear in our nex issu, with a wood cut piktur ov a saw buck at the top ov it.

Beta– I think sumly as yu do, "this wurld is all a fleetin cirkus, for man's illushun given," but that aint no rezon for not pitching in and being illusioned onse in a while. I wouldn't giv a cent for a man who hadn't bin illusioned, and who didn't expect tew be several times again.

Mathew.– I see bi yure letter that yu hav determined tew studdy ministry. Yu sa yu hav doubts about yure talents being enuffly tew make a minister; i don't think that ought tew bluff yu oph, for i hav saw menny men ov almity mean tallents, who got tew be first rate ministers.

Philander.– Yu ask me which iz the most best, the marrid or the single condishun? – Most evry boddy, at sum time in their life, has tried the single state; also, moste evry boddy haz hankered after the double state, or married condishun. I hav tried both states, and am reddy to sware, that if a man kan git a woman who kan fri pancakes on both sides without burning them, and dont hanker tew be a wimmin's kommitty, the marrid state iz a heaven and arth, awl tew onst. But after awl the married state is a good deal like falling out ov a cherry tree, if a person don't happen tew git hurt, it is a good reason for not trieing it agin.

XXXIX.

REMARKS

It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool.

I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff.

"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people, who can shame the devil easy enuff but the tother thing bothers them.

If yu don't beleaf in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin and studdy it.

Their is one advantage in a plurality ov wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their hustbands.

It is a verry delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimashun, and yures too.

As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them.

I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean, than it duz generous.

Woman's inflooense is powerful – espeshila when she wants enny thing.

No man luvs tu git beat, but it is better tew git beat than tew be rong.

Awl kind ov bores are a nuisance, but it is better tew be bored with a 2 inch auger, than a gimblet.

"Be sure yu are rite then go ahed;" but in kase ov doubt go ahed enny wa.

Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket compesses, good enuff tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git the wuss tha wurk.

The rode tew Ruin, is alwus kept in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense ov it.

If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never need to look for promoshun.

I hav got as much munny as sum folks, but i hav got as much impudence as enny ov them, and that is the next thing tew munny.

It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts his munny.

Dont mistake arroganse for wisdum; menny people hav thought tha was wise, when tha was onla windy.

The man who kant git ahed, without pulling others back, iz a limited cuss.

Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tu confess her faults.

Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil, and that is, the rode is easy, and yu are sure tew git thare.

Lastly – i am violently opposed tu arden speerits as a bevridge, but for manufaktering purposes, i think a leetle of it tastes good.

XL.

AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK

So tha tell me, but i shud rather try a revolver on the savage, a blast ov powder on the rok, and good sharp vinegar on the kabbage. I haint searched history tew diskiver who giv the first consert ov musik. We are told, that in those days "the stars sang together," but in theze days yu kant git stars tew sing together. We often hear it said, "that such a person haz a good ear for musik." I don't fellership this remark; awl a person wants tew understand musik with, is a good soul; a "good ear" haint got enny more tew du with it than a good sett ov brains has tu do with charity. Musical crickets insist that if the gammut aint rite, the musik aint rite; this is awl nonsense; the gammut haint got enny more tew du with a musick-hungry man, than a knife and fork has with his dinner, if he is real hungry he can eat with his fingers. Musick want got up tew make us wise, but better natured. How much opera musick dew you suppose it wud taik tu make a man cry? Folks will tell yu that such an "overture fria dabulo" (or sum uther furrin big named thing) "waz moste heavenly rendered," tha mite as well tell me that a pumpkin pie was heavenly rendered. What do i care about the rendering, if i don't git a piece ov the pie? Let some Prime Donner, or Mezzer Soapraner, or Barrytown Base, or some sich latin individual, cum into this village, and histe their flag, and hav a programmy ov singing as long as a sarch warrant, and as hard tu spell out as a chinese proklamashun ritten upside down, and taxed seventy-five cents for a preserved seat, and moste evrybody will go tu hear it, bekause moste everybody else dus, and will sa, evry now and then, (out loud) "how bewitching! how delishus! how egstatick!" and nineteen out ov evry twenty-one ov them wouldn't kno it if the performance was a burlesk on their grandmother. Wouldn't it be fun tew cee one ov these opera singers undertake tu rok a baby tu sleep? i gess thare wud be two parts carried tu that song about that time. Suppoze yu shud come home at nite, a weary boy, and la yure hed in mother's lap, and she shud let out a opera, good Lord! wouldn't yu think yure mother was a lunatik, or ought to be one at onst, tu save her karacter. "Korrect taist," iz anuther big wurd; ive herd folks uze it whose finger nales wanted cleaning. Musik, after all, is sumthing like vittels, the more cooking and seasoning we uze, the more we have to hav, till after awhile we kant enjoy ennything ov the vittels but the pepper. – Opera dont hav enny more loosening affeck on me, than caster ile wud on a graven image. I set and gaze, and hark, and cee the whole aujence in hirogliphicks, and awl i kan do iz tu git mad that sich stuff is called musik. But awl the reasoning in the wurld wont convince menny people that tha haint got a rite tew go into fits over an opera tha dont understand a word ov; it iz the fashion tew expire and hav their souls dissolve in latin at the rate ov seventy-five cents, an it haz got to be did, "sink or swim, survive or perish." If enny boddy wants tu go and hear a man or woman disgorge musik, that has more kolik than melody into it, i suppose (under the constitushun) tha hav jist the same rite tew crusifi themselves enny uther wa, for sumbody's else sins that tha dont kno the natur of."

XLI.

"MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."

This waz the private opinion ov one Burns, a Skotchman, who waz very edikated tew poetri from his infansy. I and he differ, which is not uncommon among grate minds. The ornary minds in this wurld are disposed tew coinside, which iz the reson whi superstitions prevale so mutch. Tew differ upon matters with anuther is a fair presumpshun that yu are in the habit ov smelling ov things before yu swaller them. Man warnt made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing that God made tew laff out loud. It iz tru he knows how to mourn, so duz the animills kno how, the birds can tell their sorrows, and the flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man waz made tew smile, tew laff, tew haw! tew thro up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man waz made tew praze God, and he cant dew it bi mourning. Awl the mourning thare iz in this wurld was introduced bi man; man warnt made tew mourn any more than he was made to crawl. Tharfore i sa tew awl men and women, stop crying and go tew laffing, yu will last longer, and git fatter and stand jist as good a chanse tew git tew heaven with a smile on your countenanse, as yu will with yure fase leaking at every pore. I sa man want made tew mourn, if he had bin he would not hav bin put in Paradise, whare every thing else was made in the image ov smiles.

P.S. – I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn" Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp enclosed.

XLII.

PROVERBS

What a sarkasm it is tew a ded man's memory, tew ask "how much munny he left?"

I don't like tew be alwus a asking questions, but i would really like tu kno whi it is that so manny wimmin who are so thin in the face, stick out so every where else!

Tha tell ov an orful sharp feller out west, who broke out ov an alms houze and made sixteen hundred and thirty two 75/100 dollars, in the substitude bizness, before tha kould ketch him.

The bible asks us, "what will it proffitt a man, if he gain the whole world and loze hiz own soul?" i suppose this depends sumwhat upon the size ov the soul, i think thare are kases whare the trade would do.

The term "skunked," which we often hear applied tew them that gits beat, waz diskovered in this wa: a Radikal and a Conservatiff, went out hunting skunks. The Radikal diskovered one at sum distanse off and without trieing tew git nearer, drew up his musquet, and shot him ded. The Consarvatiff undertook tew ketch his skunk alive, and the konsequents waz, he got – skunked.

The old proverb sez, "Giv the Devil his due!" if this is put thru, what will bekum ov yu, mi friend? and the rest ov the – nabors?

XLIII.

KISSING CONSIDERED

"Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.

Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed; in fack, about the onla way tew deskribe it well is tew do it well. It iz, without doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing from what we kno ov human natur in this latitude, it must hav struk Adam as a good investment when he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't kiss Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be; and if Eve didn't relish it, it must hav bin bekause it want well did. Thare iz one thing about kissing in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts and that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew dew it; i hav even thort that the more unedikated it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark) the more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a good deal like eating; thare is not much fun (when a person iz hungry) in standing by, and see it did bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is one ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the season, and don't sho enny disposishun tew go out ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny climate. Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump, clussly, yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it iz as easy tew hav it did, az it is handy tew dew it. Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it cures a man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a frugal, highly consentrated, and reverend luxury.

When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and – couzin Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase, and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday, and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air. I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst laste nite. I knu he wast a husband jist got back from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt me at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered hiz wife, and as natral as the bee tew the flower, tha flu together. Thare want enny thing sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing criminal about it. It rang out on the air as clear as the challenge ov a perlice offiser – it filled a whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about it neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and muxed up a barricade ov edging and frizzled tucker. It want the fust one, it waz tew well did for that. It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid ov the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it wast full ov honest ripeness and chastened struggle which made me hanker for – for, one oph from the same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru. Thare is one kind ov kissing that has alwus been deeemd extra hazardous (on akount ov fire) and that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the wife's consent don't seem tew make the matter enny the less risky.

Moral. – Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu chew them well.

XLIV.

FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS

Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon, waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport.

In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news from Jerusha, which he ced waz official and waz in the shape ov a letter, and he wud translate it as follers:

"Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood: Having a fu spare time tew devote terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin. I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever.

"Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here, how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know, and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the one that i brag on. Don't let enny ov them terestial mortals fool yu with their luv, for Jerusha's essence has no affinitee but for her corporeal jewell, Augustus Sidney Bloodgood."

At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a ded sure thing on Jerush.

XLV.

SAYINGS

A gest is sumthin that is sharp enuff to be notised, and not rude enuff tu be resented.

"Solaman was a wize man," but when he ced thar warnt enny thing nu under the sun, he hadn't herd ov Hudsin River time tables.

"Large bodys move slo," this ere proverb dont apply tu lies, for the bigger tha ar, the faster tha go.

The only wa tu pleze evra boddy, is tu make evry boddy think yu ar a bigger fule than tha ar.

Ignorance is ced tu be bliss, this ma be so, I never tried it.

It's just as natral for lawyers tu lie, as it is for a white hared yung one's nose tu run.

The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.

The more we hav, the more we want, and the more we want, the less we hav.

"The law ov nashuns;" iron klad gun botes.

Evra sorrow has its twin joy; the fun of skraching almost pays for having the ich.

XLVI.

JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH

"Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!" or in uther wurds less juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit, amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy – for civilizashun. The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more fleas tew the aker without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there iz the air, and the water, which are to be had in enny quantity, at a slite advanse from fust cost. The men and wimmin go in swimming together which at the fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they git used tew it, tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns at Long Branch, and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without spending awl ov hiz munny, if he haz got enny ambishun about him. Thare waz sevral verry fashionable wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't hav on mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth the munny. I also saw sevral diamonds thare, which they ced were discovered at little falls, in this state, and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars. One verry pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses which belonged tew the natives ov the surrounding country, which were brought down in front ov the taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, & instruktion, ov the guests. The Hosses didn't seem to me tew trot az fast az the drivers did, but i dont think enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if hollering out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a trotting fast, then Flory Temple never had any bizness at Long Branch, unless it waz for her health. Hoss trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when it iz gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers, it iz about az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway clams, with a shoe-hammer. You will find awl the different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at Long Branche. One feller asked me "if i didn't think that the southern confederasy would be recognized before long," and i ced, that the southren confederasy had bin recognized, for more than 3 years, bi awl sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov awl things cussid. And another feller asked me what i thought ov the doktrine ov poligamy. i replied tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the subjeck justiss. Az good a way az enny tew git tew Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser Hoyt, and the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale rode will put enny man in minde ov one ov the cages in which van amburgh's trained animels are carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz but one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread pill. In konclusion, Long Branch iz about the onla thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that dont belong tew the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew be visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount, if for no uther. The prinsipel amuzements ov the plase are pitching cents, and walking a mile and a half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole. Thare iz one custom thare that mite be altered, if it couldn't be improved, and that iz awl the niggers seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss ov standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature in their fase resembling a 25 cent shinplaster in distress, and even the Landlord's look, and act az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl the munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this respeck, iz like going down into a marsh, in muskeeter time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into you. Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man, it iz like skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make it hurt less.