The Complete Works of Josh Billings

INK BRATS

I thank Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, or i wouldn’t dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz.

Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeckshuns. Better lend yure dollars to enny boddy than yure dolors. Silence iz venerable; if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence.

The buty ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince, and the power ov gratitude iz that “I thank you,” makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us.

Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day.

Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers – the grate struggle iz tew git into the king row.

Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust slavery thare iz.

How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without meaning enny thing; this i kall heat lightning.

I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.

We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi conscience; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle.

The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound.

If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance?

Awl plezzures are lawful that don’t end in making us feel sorry.

The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, humble when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys.

Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.

Dutys are privileges.

Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protektion.

Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew take.

A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven.

Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philosopher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt, and well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieing tew smash a hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass.

Evry man kan boast ov one admirer.

If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug.

Life iz a punktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop.

No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got.

Don’t giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it.

I don’t beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.

The man who wrote, “I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta,” probably never had been urged sufficiently.

Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot.

The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship.

It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up for a phool – in this department, i hav known hundreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns.

I don’t want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys.

The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter.

I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24.

Mankind loves misterys – a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans.

“Experience iz a good schoolmaster,” but reason iz a better one.

A Pedant iz a lernt phool – pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade – pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it.

All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs.

Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks.

How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs.

Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more than shrewdness – and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew.

Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.

Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles.

If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be this —owe no man.

Young ones and dogs? – thoze who are the least able to support them, generally hav the most ov them.

Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner.

People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel.

I don’t beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.

Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg’s tale – a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain’t our dorg’s tale.

LIGHTNING BUGS

Plezzures make folks acquainted with each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make them know each other.

It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.

Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.

Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallo.

Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled.

About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.

Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.

Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.

Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.

A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.

Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.

No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.

A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail.

Vanity iz the superstition ov pride.

Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don’t intoxikate.

I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.

I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.

“Beware ov the dog!” also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman.

Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.

A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.

Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.

If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare.

A man don’t alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize.

The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov time yet.

A petted child iz like a bile that won’t cum tew a hed.

Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock’s tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail.

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.

Cannon balls – are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.

Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder – windy folks will please make a note ov this.

Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain’t no sich thing, nor hadn’t ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.

About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won’t.

I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan’t feel obliged to be alwus civil.

Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty.

Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i should az soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.

An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards.

Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion.

Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don’t hav mutch ov enny thing else.

Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.

I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.

PARBOILS

It is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.

Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness.

Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.

Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.

Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face.

Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship.

About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace.

When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.

Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.

It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.

7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.

Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center; and glance oph at that.

Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.

Precept, iz a buck saw, experience the elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing.

Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight.

Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them.

“Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu.” Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet.

If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in eternity.

Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise.

Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed – if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable.

He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun.

It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven – what a waste of time and muscle!

Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove – this akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they “kant serve God and mamon too,” and so they serve mamon.

Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery.

A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter.

Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty.

The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure principle back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it.

Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand.

A good book iz like a good law.

Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker.

“Familiarity breeds kontempt.” This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.

A man’s reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy – i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.

Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty.

The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards – one hides hiz store and the other stores hiz hide.

Credit iz like chastity; they both ov them kan stand temptashun better than they kan suspicion.

NEST EGGS

It iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too.

Good natur iz the daily bread ov life.

The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.

Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools.

What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man.

It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz nabors.

Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity iz like wisdum.

Thare iz this difference between a cunning man and a wize one – the cunning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru a teleskope. Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte.

Yer will find it az kommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes.

Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing.

One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Niagara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it.

Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak.

Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov.

Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same time so agreeable az deference.

Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle.

Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew liv by it, but yu kant liv on it – hash will tell.

Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound.

The history ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the viktory iz to “never say die.”

The way tew Fame iz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don’t pay.

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we think for what we know; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose.

Ambishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin.

We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others.

Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil.

It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag.

Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it.

Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate.

Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tha cheapest; it kosts nothing, if you only think so.

Idleness, like industry, iz ketching.

The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.

Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.

A nickname will outlast all a man’s deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent.

Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.

Conshience iz our private sekretary.

The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.

Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.

The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don’t change works with each other.

A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.

Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.

A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns.

It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves.

The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy.

Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything.

The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.

Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance.

Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain’t mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.

Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.

CHICKEN FEED

Thare iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz – a setting hen.

Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health.

Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.

Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one.

Truth iz the edict ov God.

The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at.

About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears.

Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.

I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own.

A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others.