The Complete Works of Josh Billings

KOARSE SHOT

Whenever yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job.

The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had a warm meal than it iz when he don’t kno whare he iz a going tew git one.

Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it.

To never dispair may be God like, but it ain’t human. Affektashun looks well in a monkey.

Trieing tew define love iz like trieing tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got ducked.

The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself.

What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that noboddy ever saw one.

The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired.

A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one.

It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real possessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it.

Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch iniquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers.

A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone.

Avarice iz az hungry az the grave.

Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use.

I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov konstitushun than ov principle.

About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure.

Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless.

Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis.

Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job.

I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do.

The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukshun.

A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package.

A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in heaven.

The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back.

Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty – if it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence – if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left.

Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav.

Hope iz the germ, Faith the blossom, and Charity the fruit.

Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy – the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on.

Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed.

When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to a country cur who barks at me; this will make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs.

Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.

Thare ain’t mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick in phun.

Men will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be hated than not noticed.

I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is largely made up ov grunts, groans and growls, varied with huffs, hoots, and howls.

I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.

About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in it – it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole.

The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes.

It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you.

The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute.

SLIPS OF THE PEN

The wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience – edukashun don’t improve it.

If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats – it iz jiss so with mankind.

Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber – men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch.

The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant.

The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized – one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz.

It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth – it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.

It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tail that shines; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant – it iz jist so with virtew.

Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog – the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills.

The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock – hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.

Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.

Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.

Fools are telling us (confidensally) “that time is short,” but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools.

Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.

The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings.

Time iz like a fair wind – if we don’t set our sails, we looze that breeze forever.

We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?

Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain’t a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass?

Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin.

“Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun,” and Pattent Wright iz the father.

It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn’t dead broke.

Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain’t always a safe investment.

Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.

The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by the rod and the katechism.

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.

Chastity iz like glassware – too much frost in it makes it more brittle.

Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don’t reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him.

Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!! – freedom to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days.

The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain’t had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.

GLASS DIMONDS

If we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove than admire.

The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an inkum ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax.

Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace.

Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others kant git.

Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would bother menny ov us tew git a living.

Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever saw one yet.

Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder to keep it.

I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.

Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart.

I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous.

Here iz just what’s the matter – if yu shut yureself up folks will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up.

Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, az thare iz between the ile and the essence of peppermint.

It iz a safe kalkulashun that the more praze a man iz willing to take, the less he deserves.

Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.

Honesty iz the only aristokrasy that i acknoweledge; an honest man iz alwus a well-bred man and a gentleman.

Politeness iz not only the most powerful, but the cheapest argument I kno ov. The more wrinkles i kan see in a man’s face the better i like it, provided a smile lays in each one ov the gutters.

The philosophers tell us that “natur abhors a vacum.” This ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens heds.

Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes menny obligashuns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them tew sosiety.

If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz gone in a minnit.

We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows amung our nabors, but our plezzures we are more stingy with.

Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the world kan afford tew hav liv in solitude.

If a man waz kompletely virtewous, i doubt whether he would be happy here, he would be so lonesum.

It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew follow it duz.

Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes sum most brilliant hits.

Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three.

He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it.

Ridikule that ain’t true haz no partikular power.

I wouldn’t giv 250 dollars cash, or good dicker, for all the fame thare iz in the world at this partikular junktur.

Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a good deal ov nussing.

No church kan expekt tew be very suckcessful now days, unless it haz got a good orkestra in it.

Hope iz a thoughtless jade – she often cheats us, but she haz no malace.

When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well invested, but az i get older i cypher different.

God makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them.

Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together.

Ambishun tew shine in everything iz a sure way tew put a man’s kandell all out.

Man’s make up iz ov natur and custom, and i don’t kno which ov the two iz the most powerfullest.

A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he iz both.

Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness; our bad luck we giv the gods credit for.

Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan tell yu all about, and that iz the next door nabor.

Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous.

I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times before they speak once, and then never say enny thing worth listening to.

It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man’s karakter tew sho hiz virtews to good advantage.

It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short; this shows that the fault ain’t in the amunishun.

Thare iz plenty ov individuals who, if they kan go up like a baloon, are willing tew cum down like a chunk.

JEWS HARPS

A gentleman iz a gentleman the world over, – loafers differ.

Benevolence iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human kindness.

Courage without discretion, iz a ram with horns on both ends, he will hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to.

Hunting after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz a skeleton.

A dog iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than he luvs himself.

Thare iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at.

Old friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest.

Lies are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call a man “Father,” when he least expekts it.

All money that iz well spent, iz a good investment.

If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.

Before i would preach the gospel az some ministers are obliged to, for 450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Nebudkenezzer did, and let the congregashun go tew grass to.

Contentment is the vittles, and drink ov the soul.

Did yu ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze father could with justiss, brag about hiz son?

The safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility.

The man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angle worm, never gits far away from hiz hole.

A brilliant blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best hits.

Tyranny iz often changed, but never destroyed.

Sucking a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal like trieing tew liv on buty.

I never knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt gravity, nor a truly wize man, whoze face was not alwus cocked and primed, for a laugh.

Prudery iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed.

New York citty is a fasst place, yu kant even pass a phuneral procession, unless yu have got the fassest hoss.

Truth, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness.

A pompous man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure malice tew prick him.

The money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal alike, the principle never loses sight ov the interest.

Pitty costs nothing, – and aint worth nothing.

What men kant do, they are apt to admire, – they dont criticise a mountain, bekauze they kant make one.

Poverty is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all ov us dread, but none ov us pitty.

Thare iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfortunes, jist for the luxury ov grunting.

It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days.

I thank God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, i am sure to be.

Most men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi following the lay ov the ground.

In youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs into us.

“Times ain’t az they used tew be” – this haz bin the sollum, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy.

Secrets are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate them, yu loze them, and if yu keep them, yu loze the interest on the investment.

Persecuted for the Devil’s sake, iz what sinners git for their allegiance.

Sum people won’t beleave enny thing they kant prove; the things i can’t prove, are the very things i beleave the most.

Pride never shows itself more disgustingly than in the pomp ov a phuneral.

Happiness iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer.

Good examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they kan enakt.

The devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total depravity, or he wouldn’t hav undertook tew tempt the Saviour.

A “gentleman about town,” iz one who pays cash for everything except hiz debts.

Money iz like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins.

A pedant iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam broth ov literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov the learned.

Thare iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the only thing that will make a phool feel respektable.

When yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the wellfair ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune.

TADPOLES

One ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never reddy.

Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obeying them.

I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a man kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants and vanities gratified.

When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for a Christian.

Yung man, larn tew listen! – i don’t mean at a key-hole. Thare iz plenty ov happiness in this life if we only knu it: and one way tew find it iz, when we hav got the old rumatiz tew thank Heaven that it aint the old gout.

Men are blamed for sticking their noze into things; but it iz the only way a dog tracks out hiz game.

The man who kan live in idleness successfully, must either be too pure or too lazy to commit enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati: sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite.

Inkredulity iz the wisdum ov a phool; it iz only a wize man who kan afford tew be credulous.

Prejudice iz a hous plant which is very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks.

The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty well.

What iz the next wust thing tew lieing? Gitting ketched at it.

I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if a man whom i had never seen nor heard ov should su me for a debt ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn’t kompound with him for fifty, i would pay the whole rather than defend the suit.

I hav noticed this diffrence between people – thare is some who are not az big phools as they look.

Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espeshily the full stop.

I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they wouldn’t admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this world, not even tew a nu haff dollar.

If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword.

Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a phellow like the money he gits by hard knoxs.

I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed – but i hain’t seen all the bigots, yu know.

Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide.

Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness.

He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not only a wize man, but a good one.

Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, and wants a heap ov watching.

The malice ov the world ain’t haff so dangerous az its flatterys.

If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may snap at mi heels.

Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing tew stop up a rat hole with sand – the rats will soon dig out sum whare else.

A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, “That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me.”

Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare iz but one real preventative, and that iz – tew be vacksinated with deaf and dumbness.

Really wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides.

We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. We will pass a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar bill.

Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me like him so mutch.

Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don’t phurnish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sumthing wuss; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys.

Poverty iz the step mother ov genius.

Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, and who purrs when he talks; he iz a kat in disguise.

It iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I’ve forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got beat every time.

When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns.

Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew pay the highest price.

Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner.

“Time iz money,” – menny people take this saying in its literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it.

Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes – two dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful.

Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red sum authors who were too original tew be interesting.

Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates with them.

If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very viscious.

If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny – a mere pimp tew hiz welth.