The Complete Works of Josh Billings

LOBSTIR SALLAD

A slander iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu better not strike at it.

Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs.

I make this distinkshun between charakter and reputashun– reputashun iz what the world thinks ov us, charakter iz what the world knows ov us.

What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet.

No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies.

Anxiety alwus steps on itself.

Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe.

Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy.

It takes branes tew make a smart man, but good luck often makes a famous one.

Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch.

I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder.

Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky.

I don’t beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to show that God made him.

I suppoze that one reazon whi the “road to ruin” iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun.

I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else – for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy.

A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain’t good for nothing after it iz pricked.

A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius – if a man’s genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one.

Vanity iz seldom malishous.

A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word.

Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted consarn – put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage – put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing – put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it.

When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool.

Men mourn for what they hav lost – wimmin, for what they hain’t got.

I judge ov a man’s virtew entirely bi his phashions – it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.

Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.

A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.

Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn’t well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings.

Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain’t no human natur in a man’s head.

Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest.

Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes – he ain’t dreaming.

Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.

Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand.

One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener.

Fools are the whet-stones ov society.

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.

Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum.

Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, musn’t forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will forgit the world.

Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, nevertheless, to wit, verily, amen.

Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffing is only a weakness in phools.

I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.

Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the “wimmins’ rights bizzness,” then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession.

Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to.

Praize that ain’t deserved iz no better than slander.

There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones, the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool.

MOLLASSIS KANDY

Thare iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollassis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz alwus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it.

I don’t kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.

Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan’t hav but one, give me the abuse.

Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they are all ov them in pursuit ov munny, and only one out ov 10 gits it.

Next tew the man who iz wuth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man, who don’t kare a kuss for it.

A reputashun for happiness needs az mutch watching az a reputashun for honesty.

When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom.

I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, “the devil take the hindmost.”

Success don’t konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time.

He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.

While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys.

Thare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the ladder in this world, if we reach the utmost round, then we mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer.

Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us.

When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov.

The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in hiz brothers.

Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we hav got less than others.

The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not pervert, iz hiz conshience.

Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the result ov being dissatisfied with ourselfs.

Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that proporshun, he iz a dead beat.

Early genius iz like early cabbage, don’t head well.

It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5; i found this out more than 7 years ago.

Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi letting go, tew spit on hiz hands.

Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo.

About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an obituary notiss.

Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones.

I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens.

The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her.

If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher.

The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy but we, hav made ov themselfs.

Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.

The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself.

I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life.

Life ain’t long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.

Virtew don’t konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them; – a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven image.

One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick.

Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaintance.

Don’t forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand people in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu.

Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az politeness, and none more profitable.

Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for ourselfs.

Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence.

Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful, – be thankful, and yu are sure tew be happy.

He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very dangerous man.

Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry.

Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur.

A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything.

Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty.

Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and changed with grater.

The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death.

Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute.

PUDDIN AND MILK

Love iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan.

The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had.

Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient.

Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take.

Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer another, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth – pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so.

Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you.

Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing?

If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Honesty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail.

The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus makes us keep ours.

Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive.

There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance.

Laws are made, customs grow – laws hav tew be executed, customs execute themselves – laws begin where customs end.

Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words.

Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz head.

The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowledge iz a byeway.

Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew.

I don’t know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.

Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground.

We shouldn’t forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out.

Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice.

Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz dinner.

I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it.

Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without robbing yourself.

Natur iz jist az honest az a cow.

Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you – i mean suspekt yu ov knowing a grate deal more than yu aktually do.

If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from committing suicide.

People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, “thare ain’t no hope for him,” i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right.

What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.

Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but he let sin beat him out of hiz birthright.

A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a family.

Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level.

Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny persons who otherwise would be lost amung the rubbish.

Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts.

Habits are like the wrinkles on a man’s brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other.

It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.

Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting.

Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail.

The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show.

PLUM PITS

It iz a grate art to kno how tew listen.

This seems to be about the way it iz did: When we are yung, we run into difikultys, and when we git old, we fall into them.

Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old man gay.

Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav.

It ain’t bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up.

I don’t kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don’t kno it.

About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them.

I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a dandy.

The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them.

The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them.

About all that this far famed Philosophy kan teach us, iz tew suffer pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reached the hight of its ambishun when it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr.

Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us.

There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle him to commiserashun.

Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use.

If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire larning, studdy dikshionarys.

I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.

I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most importance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires.

It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are below us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy.

Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good.

The man who don’t kno himself iz a poor judge ov the other phellow.

Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us.

Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung one at 60.

Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter thoze whom we don’t respekt enuff to praze.

Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle.

We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape ourselfs.

The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are.

To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az courageous az a beast.

Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world – persekuted for the devil’s sake iz not so common.

Don’t be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest.

I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blunders, but I don’t luv them.

I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces.

I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living.

The greatest blessing that the great and good God can bestow on enny human being iz humility.

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor.

Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the country, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertisements onto.

How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it.

I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.

Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.

If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.

Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav.

Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess.

The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most.

Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to lazyness.

Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand.

Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur.

Two thirds ov what is called love iz nothing but jealousy.

Sekrets are like the meazles – they take eazy and spred eazy.

The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old.

We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures.

The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judgement.

Advice iz like kissing – it don’t kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing to do.

One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz.

CHIPS

Dont mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways.

“It is one thing tew take the chances, and quite another thing tew find them.

“It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller.

“Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes.

“The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend.

“Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss.

“If you are looking after happiness don’t take the turnpike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty.

“Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain’t perfekt without a good deal ov sugar.

“Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty.

“Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork.

“A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe.

“About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs.

“Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (or sin) behind him.

“He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence.

“Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living.