The Complete Works of Josh Billings
Hunting duks’ eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.
A man couldn’t earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks’ eggs.
The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.
They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.
I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.
I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.
I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.
Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up.
Thare ain’t no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk.
Yu often hear the term “lame duk” applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment.
Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from.
THE SANDY HILL CRANE
The crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things.
He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost.
He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.
He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year’s bird’s nest.
He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs.
He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.
When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke loose from its fastenings.
Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand.
The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss.
I never hav et enny crane, nor don’t mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out.
I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness – even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner.
I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn’t never tell exackly what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.
Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz.
Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog.
MORE SNAIKS
THE RATTLESNAIX
The rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.
They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.
On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from.
Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that iz whisky.
I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky, and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.
I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.
I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk forevermore.
The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.
I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.
The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them.
THE HOOP SNAIK
This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.
Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie.
Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don’t leave this world entirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.
I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances.
The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too.
THE ANAKONDY
The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.
They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.
The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives.
Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.
THE GARTER SNAIX
The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen’s leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee.
This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix.
I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly.
I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like.
I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn’t git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze.
But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith – a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself.
Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.
They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.
THE EEL SNAIK
The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.
They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.
They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.
I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook.
Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them.
I don’t know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me.
THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX
The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet.
Thare ain’t but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet.
The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards.
He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show.
This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log-hous.
He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin.
He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support.
He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts.
He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour.
The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit their shores, but he iz the Grate Amerikan Snaix, and don’t hav tew leave home.
THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX
This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.
They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt’s notiss.
They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied.
I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.
I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.
Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.
I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous.
THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS
THE BLUJAY
The blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail.
They are a misterious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighns ov civilizashun.
Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with.
The blujay haz no song – they kant sing even “From Greenland’s Icy Mountains;” but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold winter’s morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at.
It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie.
THE QUAIL
The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly.
They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz solitary and sad.
They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain’t studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go.
Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi humble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sumthing tew drink.
I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judishious accompanyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi hed, and then smile sweet acquiescence – in other words, I always quail before such a request.
THE PATRIDGE
The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen.
Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz.
It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be described and make enny boddy beleave it.
The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare.
Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent.
I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding’s glue.
THE WOODKOK
The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork-skrew.
They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most delikate things.
They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood.
They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond.
The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a whizz, and the last thing a whurr.
How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove.
I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet.
They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers.
THE GUINA HEN
The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon.
They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on the run.
They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so much on the sly, that they often kan’t find them themselfs.
They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow.
They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself.
They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph.
They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks.
They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it.
THE GOSLIN
The goslin iz the old goose’s yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water.
They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually.
If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn’t believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die.
The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish.
I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn’t look an hour older than one that waz 17.
The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends.
The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat kakes that are left over.
They ain’t so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won’t git mad and quit if they kan’t hav wet toast and lam chops every morning for breakfast.
If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn’t want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn’t suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi kalling.
Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside.
I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and tells yu, “Mister, the roast goslin iz no more.”
SMALL-SIZED VERMIN
THE GRUB
The grub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, i never have saw a checkered grub so far.
I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.
The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living.
They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew.
They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork.
They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver.
They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool.
Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan.
I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down behind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer.
I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be president ov the United States for the same length ov time.
Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz a glory in it, az krazy, and az safe, az soda water.
It don’t take mutch tew make me happy, but it will take more munny than enny man on this futtstool, haz got, tew buy out the little stock I alwuss keep on hand.
THE LADY BUG
The lady bug iz the most genteel vermin in market.
They are spotted red and blak for color, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don’t look unlike a drop ov red sealing wax.
They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and are wuss, and quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt skoolmaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans.
The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them in their hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime:
“Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home,
Your house is on fire, and your children will roam.”
Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put for home in a grate hurry.
The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster’s unabridged dont tell us for what.
Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what they waz built for, i dont blame the bug.
I hav grate phaith in ennything that kreeps, krawls, or even wiggles, and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about the usefulness ov bed bugs, musketoze, and striped snaix, i hav phaith that Divine Providence did not make them in vain.
Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order.
THE TREE-TUD
Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends? If yu didn’t, cum with me next July, and i will sho yu one.
Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physikally they aint.
They are about the size ov an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, a hed on one side ov them, and a tail on the other.
They are the only tuds that kan klimb with enny degree of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea-kittle when she is cooking water.
Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, and appearing exactly like the spot where they set.
I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold az the yelk ov an egg.
The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages.
A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song.
They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov.
THE PORKUPINE
The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck.
They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf.
They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives.
It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood.
An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he would a phire brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like urchins into a sugar hogshed.
The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out.
A porkupine’s quill when it enters goes klean thru and cums out on the other side ov things. This iz a way they hav got.
The porkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork and beans with the beans left out.
They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew.
I hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their prickers a dozen ov them.
I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny tew beleave it yet.
Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill, it may be only a hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will hold.
DEVIL’S DARNING NEEDLE
This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov proporshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat.
They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the further end ov the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the whole of the log.
They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water.
All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man now who had rather enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew intersect a devil’s darning needle.
They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys and their devilish appearance generally. (See Webster’s unabridged on this subjekt.)
RAMRODS
The higher up we git, the more we are watched – the rooster on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more importance, altho’ he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard.
If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you.
Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody’s barn.
I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk.
Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal.
A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided – it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin.
All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end in viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet.
Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us.
If a man iz full ov himself, don’t tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust.
Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.
The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.
I don’t think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.
It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man’s advice, than hiz example.
The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswasiv the wife iz – espeshily when she wants sumthing.
I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but weak ones don’t have enny.
I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and diskreet folks we hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame ones – it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.
The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius.
