The Complete Works of Josh Billings
The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts.
Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan’t swim, but they kan float.
Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika.
But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan’t bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last with a broken heart.
To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a starved leech.
Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter’s song in the room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out and for me to pitch into bed.
In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would return the cockroach and sware that we waz even.
THE MULE
The mule is haf hoss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake.
Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar.
Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out.
Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse.
Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels.
Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall.
Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal.
If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd noboddy sa “ded mule.”
Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody.
I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits law passed, requiring it.
The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs.
I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.
Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it.
Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur.
Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did’nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.
BED BUGS
I never see ennybody yet but what despised Bed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides – the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway – but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn’t hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.
It don’t do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay’s eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.
THE FLEA
The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the Flea.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.
They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man’s subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain’t thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.
I don’t suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don’t mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don’t stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.
NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME
The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung.
He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane.
If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama.
He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing.
Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle.
Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe.
Thare food consis ov korn in the ear.
Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks.
Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over.
Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them – the rest stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan.
The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand.
I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it.
Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!
Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger daze; but the hen ain’t tew blame for this.
Biled hen iz universally respekted.
Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen – exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say he didn’t. So it goes, which and tuther.
I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think the egg waz – and sumtimes i think the hen waz – and sumtimes i think i don’t kno, and i kant tell now, which way iz right, for the life ov me.
Laying eggs iz the hen’s best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs – iz laid out.
One egg iz konsidered a fair day’s work for a hen. I hav herd ov their doing better, but i don’t want a hen ov mine tew do it – it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth.
The poet sez, butifully:
“Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!
I wish they’d let her bee;
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,
And Sundays she’d lay 3.”
This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars that it never took place.
The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy.
I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it.
Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day.
Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze, – thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze.
I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best.
The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden.
Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed.
Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along.
I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and – take it in egg.
THE AUNT
The ant iz a menny footted insekt.
They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them (more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in common.
They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never strike for enny higher wages.
They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to their hearts.
Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see one out ov a job.
They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the run.
Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov them didn’t understand; they don’t kare whether the moon iz inhabited, or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more.
They ain’t a-hunting after the philosopher’s stone, nor gitting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes.
They don’t care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it don’t bob over their korn krib and spill their barley.
They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next crop ov aunts.
They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian.
If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so menny kan liv so thick.
If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened.
If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other sass.
I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created, made bizzy, and sot to work by chance.
Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are the work ov an acksident! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven.
I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, profane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world az i would on the throw ov the dice.
Ants are older than Adam.
Man (for very wize reasons) want bilt untill all other things were finished, and pronounced good.
If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon bossing the rest ov the job.
He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green.
I am glad that man waz the last thing made.
If man hadn’t hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it.
I haven’t much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont.
Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sumthing.
Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk.
They don’t hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simply, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts.
They don’t hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swallered.
I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them.
I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better.
The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws.
This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie.
Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn’t sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland.
Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength; but if they don’t they are no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and apply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line.
Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick.
SUM SNAIX
THE ADDER
The adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph.
They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead.
They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shaddo ov the weeping willo.
They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy.
THE STRIPED SNAIK
The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They inhabit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the garden, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass generally.
They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every boddy, az a torpedo.
The fust snaix, we hav enny ackount ov much, waz the devil, surnamed bellyzebubb, who wiggled his way into the Garden of Eden, and without a single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansesstors, out ov joy inneffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile.
Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix.
This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky bizzness teu follow.
Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses flourish.
I don’t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school house.
Let enny body just holler “striped snaix” once, near a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin teu paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug.
Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and “thareby hangs a tail.”
THE BLUE RACER
The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe.
They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles.
They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play “tag.”
They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments.
They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at.
Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hirogliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe tew die.
It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don’t stand enny more chance ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it.
They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov buttermilk tew find its way into him.
THE BLAK SNAIK
The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb.
They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight.
They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.
I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn’t eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.
Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say “Go up, old bald hed,” and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov this.
The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek.
There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.
There ain’t much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn’t be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.
THE MILK SNAIK
The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.
I don’t beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.
Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them.
I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him.
This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.
The Bible sez, “marvel not,” and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner’s ketching the whale just az he did, wasn’t some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze.
If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan’t smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile’s dimenshuns.
I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life away, and don’t never see one, I don’t intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.
I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn’t go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them.
Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble.
THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER
The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.
He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.
He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.
