The Complete Works of Josh Billings

THE MEDDO MOLE

The meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.

They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.

They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once tew the surface.

They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.

How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful.

If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her.

But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.

I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.

I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.

A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english.

THE POSSUM

The possum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.

He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.

Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rackoon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.

The possum’s tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.

If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family.

The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.

Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that iz a darkey. They are the nigger’s poultry and roast lamb.

The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either.

Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from the goose.

Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum’s tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.

Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin neglekted.

Thare iz only one thing about a possum’s skin different from a hoss hide, they don’t shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side.

Possum’s hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.

But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch.

I mean tuffness and cunning.

If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.

The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that “dis possum hab been eating pizen;” take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep.

Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.

I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush.

If thare iz enny boddy who don’t beleave this i don’t care, i only write what i know, and don’t hold miself liable for other folks’ ignorance.

Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nigger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.

If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.

I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.

Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family.

The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood.

The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster’s spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.

THE CURSID MUSKETO

Dear – : – Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli.

The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey.

They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry unstiddy – the grate supply injures the demand.

Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that.

They don’t require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield.

If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit.

The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don’t waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.

Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant, that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty sutch pholks – their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.

Wisdum iz like duks eggs – if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for them – thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cum and la eggs in yure hand – not a duk, Mr. – , not a duk.

The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don’t kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.

Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.

The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can’t sing won’t bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.

If thare ain’t but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun.

The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them.

They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say bully for the muskeeter!

The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt – he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.

It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog.

The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.

He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises.

I positively fear a musketo.

In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had rather look forward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me.

The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates; even a mule dispizes them.

But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt in vain.

I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew being virtewous i would like tew be tuff.

This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who are alwus a looking for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while they are doing it.

Dear Mr. – , pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter.

THE HORNET

The hornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impresshuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end.

Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, “git out ov mi way.”

They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin.

This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit’s warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake.

Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl ov their differences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain tew hit az a mule iz.

This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont kare.

I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never considered it helthy.

Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, and seldom are disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with hiz javelin?

They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets.

It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell tew a hornet for half price.

Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor.

I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its axletree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now what it iz.

Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around black smith shops, and cider mills, all over the country, that dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tew beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let the cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count.

Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hornet haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and here iz another mistery: what on arth duz a hornet want so mutch reserve corps for.

I hav jist thought – tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to know.

It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving dollar for wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg, it aint laid in yure hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and yu hav got tew sarch for it.

The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dissatisfied with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good breding ackts this way sumtimes.

Hornets are long-lived – i kant state jist how long their lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny kritter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his nabers.

The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the hornet, is tew tutch him, let him hit you once with his javelin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumboddy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer; and az for grit, i will state for the informashun ov thoze who haven’t had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp meeting!

What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers amung the naturalists say they hav target excursions, and heave their javelins at a mark; but i don’t imbibe this assershun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter at heart az the hornets are, to waste a blow.

Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him credit for on mi books – he alwus attends tew hiz own bizzness, and wont allow any boddy else tew attend tew it, and what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark, and aint seen.

If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, even with their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them.

Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi trieing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz their vittles, and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at the corner ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, bekauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with him.

In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by concluding, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so darned peremptory with their javelins, they might be guilty ov less wisdum, but more charity.

But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant’s egg.

THE RABBIT

The rabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika. They are az harmless, so far az pizon is consarned, az a yung goslin.

They liv in holes in the ground, holler logs, and under brush heaps, and kan run faster and stop quicker than any 4 or 6 legged brute.

Their hind legs are twice az long and twice az fast az their fore ones, and they seem tew be bilt best for running up a hill, and backing down it. They are all colors known tew the trade, except green; green rabbits are out ov fashion.

Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better vittles than the kat.

I don’t kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles.

One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into the jineing parts.

Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a bad kold.

Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they are useless.

Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin without tareing, az a biled potater.

THE POODLE

The poodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst a good deal ov promiskuss hair.

They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled all over them, like the hed ov a yung darkey.

They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stubborn az a setting hen.

A poodle iz a woman’s pet, and that makes them kind ov sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships.

I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places with, but the owners ov them didn’t akt to me az tho they wanted tew trade for enny thing.

Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz poodles, for if thare wasn’t thare iz some people who wouldn’t hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew luv.

Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are good for fleas.

Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds employed scratching, and almost every boddy else’s too about the house.

I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man’s natur iz too koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a man waz tew nuss him.

I don’t expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the outside.

This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, and probably he would quit, but i kant help it.

If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint.

Bully for me.

THE PATRIDGE

The patridge iz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, and on the hill sides that are woody.

They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz alwus diffikult for nu beginners.

In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their wings on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet.

Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this.

The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not missed.

It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, especially if a tree gets in the way.

I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at it.

The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az a cockroach iz who feels well.

When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year’s chestnut burs on legs.

Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny patridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu.

But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav broiled krow than broiled mule just for a change.

THE SNIPE

The snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places quick, and git back again quick.

They are pure game, and are shot on the move.

They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az sweetmeats.

The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor’s) and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then pumping the juices out with their tounge.

I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and phell on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg.

This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it.

THE COCKROACH

The cockroach iz a bug at large.

He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.

He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.

We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the “artikilus bevo” or common Amerikan grasshopper.

Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all bug ethicks.

But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz.

Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadulterated natur.

He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races between the butter plates.

How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself.

I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.

Such iz man!

The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.

They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach.

The maternal bug don’t sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don’t seem tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.

But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.