Elements of Chance

“I’ve got to get home,” she panted as she pushed his hands away. He was overwhelming her, compelling her to surrender. Oh, I do love you, Julian, I do, she thought to herself. All she wanted was to stop the struggle, feel the thrill of him as he kissed her.

“Touch me, Val,” begged Julian, trying to force her hand onto his penis, swollen in his jeans.

Gathering all of her strength, Valerie shoved him away and sat up, her breath coming fast.

“Don’t you love me, Val?” he asked in a quiet voice.

“Oh, yes,” she sighed.

“I love you,” he said, looking at her. “You do know that, don’t you?”

“Please, Julian, I’ve got to get home,” she insisted.

She felt his exasperation as they climbed into the front seat and he started the car, saw the set of his mouth as he drove. “Please, don’t be upset,” she begged.

“Let’s just forget it.”

His words stung as if he had slapped her, and she gazed morosely out of the window of the car. She had never felt so alone as he stopped the car a block away from the house on Green Street. She sat, with her head bowed, while he came around and opened the door for her.

“Julian,” she began, but she was talking to his back as he hurried around to the driver’s seat of the Rover, shoved it into gear and, with squealing tires, drove away.

Janet’s face was white as she opened the front door before Valerie even had a chance to lift the brass knocker.

“Her Ladyship’s just gone up,” said Janet, a worried frown on her face, her voice hushed. “She asked if you were still awake, and I said I didn’t know.”

Valerie looked up at the wide, winding staircase, at the dark wood stairs gleaming with highly polished wax. There was no way in the world, she realized, that she could get to her room without Lady Anne knowing she had just come in.

“Maybe if you took off your shoes, miss,” said Janet, her voice anxious.

Valerie shook her head.

“Do you want me to bring you anything, miss?” asked Janet, nervously wiping her hands on her apron.

“No thanks, Janet,” said Valerie, giving the maid a little pat on one plump shoulder. “If there’s still a light under Her Ladyship’s door, I’ll just say good night to her.”

“I’m sorry, miss,” whispered Janet. “I’ll see you in the morning, then, with your breakfast.”

There was no light under the door, and Lady Anne didn’t call out, but Valerie knew that she had been found out.

By the time she got home from the conservatory the next day, Valerie was practically out of her mind with anxiety. She lay stiffly on her bed, trying to take a nap, but sleep would not come. When she glanced at the little clock on the nightstand and saw that it was nearly five o’clock, she went downstairs.

Lady Anne had already poured herself a cup of tea, Valerie saw when she walked into the drawing room. There was a pretty arrangement of sandwiches and tea cakes on a silver tray. A fire in the fireplace crackled a welcome. The lamps were all on, as usual, and the chandelier was a brilliant blaze of crystal. Through the tall windows came the pale light hinting at lengthening days.

Lady Anne put the magazine she was reading on the table next to her and looked up at Valerie through the reading glasses perched on the bridge of her nose. Her face was composed, her dark eyes reflective.

Valerie sat down stiffly in the wing chair across from her. Her mouth was dry; her hands, and even her legs, were trembling. Still, it would be a relief to get it over with.

“I’m sorry, Your Ladyship,” she began in a strange voice she hardly recognized.

“It’s that boy, of course,” said Lady Anne, her tone mournful. “You’ve been leaving the house to meet him. Julian, isn’t it? Julian Unwin?”

Valerie nodded miserably, feeling the heat in her face, the racing of her heart.

“Has it been going on for long?” she asked.

“A few weeks,” Valerie mumbled. “I went to his concert. And, a few times after that.”

“I should have taken you to his concert,” Lady Anne mused. “That was terribly insensitive of me. I should have realized how important it was to you to be there with all your friends.”

Valerie sat in silence, waiting for her punishment to be pronounced.

“Where else did you go?” she asked.

“To the movies once. To Carnaby Street. Last night, we just drove around.”

“He has an automobile?”

“It’s his father’s.”

“Dear, I have a terribly important question to ask you,” Lady Anne said, her tone suddenly urgent. “And it’s imperative that you tell me the truth. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Your Ladyship,” Valerie whispered.

“Did he do anything to you?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Valerie said.

“I think you do, young lady.”

Valerie shook her head, wishing she were dead.

“All right,” said Lady Anne. “I want to know if you had sexual intercourse with him. I don’t know how much more plainly I can say it.”

“Oh, no,” Valerie said. “I didn’t let him.”

“Is that the truth?” she asked.

“Yes, Your Ladyship. I swear it. I swear it’s the truth.”

“But you kissed him,” she continued. “You let him fondle you. Did he touch your breasts? Did he put his hand between your legs?”

“He tried, Your Ladyship,” Valerie said, shaking her head. “I wouldn’t let him do that. I wouldn’t even open my mouth when he kissed me.” It wouldn’t matter to Lady Anne, she thought wildly, that the reason was because she was embarrassed about her braces. All that metal all over her teeth.

“When do you want me to leave?” Valerie whispered, realizing she couldn’t take another moment of the conversation.

“When I told you this was our home, Valerie,” said Lady Anne, looking surprised, “I didn’t mean conditionally. If you were my own niece, I wouldn’t ask you to leave, no matter what the circumstances. As I’ve told you from the beginning, I do think of you as my niece.” She paused for a moment and smiled warmly at Valerie, who was trying to absorb the words. “But I certainly don’t countenance your behavior,” she added. “You obviously can’t go sneaking around the moment my back is turned.”

“Oh, I won’t, Your Ladyship,” Valerie promised, close to tears.