The Eleven Comedies, Volume 2

XANTHIAS. Seated on the ground close to it, I saw Theorus,[7 - A tool of Cleon's; he had been sent on an embassy to Persia (vide 'The Acharnians'). The crow is a thief and rapacious, just as Theorus was.] who had the head of a crow. The Alcibiades said to me in his lisping way, "Do you thee? Theoruth hath a crow'th head."[8 - In his life of Alcibiades, Plutarch mentions this defect in his speech; or it may have been a 'fine gentleman' affectation.]

SOSIAS. Ah! 'twas very well lisped indeed!

XANTHIAS. This is might strange; Theorus turning into a crow!

SOSIAS. No, it is glorious.

XANTHIAS. Why?

SOSIAS. Why? He was a man and now he has suddenly become a crow; does it not foretoken that he will take his flight from here and go to the crows?[9 - Among the Greeks, going to the crows was equivalent to our going to the devil.]

XANTHIAS. Interpreting dreams so aptly certainly deserves two obols.[10 - No doubt the fee generally given to the street diviners who were wont to interpret dreams.]

SOSIAS. Come, I must explain the matter to the spectators. But first a few words of preamble: expect nothing very high-flown from us, nor any jests stolen from Megara;[11 - Coarse buffoonery was welcomed at Megara, where, by the by, it is said that Comedy had its birth.] we have no slaves, who throw baskets of nuts[12 - To gain the favour of the audience, the Comic poets often caused fruit and cakes to be thrown to them.] to the spectators, nor any Heracles to be robbed of his dinner,[13 - The gluttony of Heracles was a constant subject of jest with the Comic poets.] nor is Euripides loaded with contumely; and despite the happy chance that gave Cleon his fame[14 - The incident of Pylos (see 'The Knights').] we shall not go out of our way to belabour him again. Our little subject is not wanting in sense; it is well within your capacity and at the same time cleverer than many vulgar Comedies.—We have a master of great renown, who is now sleeping up there on the other story. He has bidden us keep guard over his father, whom he has locked in, so that he may not go out. This father has a curious complaint; not one of you could hit upon or guess it, if I did not tell you.—Well then, try! I hear Amynias, the son of Pronapus, over there, saying, "He is addicted to gambling."

XANTHIAS. He's wrong! He is imputing his own malady to others.

SOSIAS. No, yet love is indeed the principal part of his disease. Ah! here is Sosias telling Dercylus, "He loves drinking."

XANTHIAS. Not at all! The love of wine is the complaint of good men.

SOSIAS. "Well then," says Nicostratus of the Scambonian deme, "he either loves sacrifices or else strangers."

XANTHIAS. Ah! great gods! no, he is not fond of strangers, Nicostratus, for he who says "Philoxenus" means a dirty fellow.[15 - The Greek word for friend of strangers is [Greek: philoxenos], which happened also to be the name of one of the vilest debauchees in Athens.]

SOSIAS. 'Tis mere waste of time, you will not find it out. If you want to know it, keep silence! I will tell you our master's complaint: of all men, it is he who is fondest of the Heliaea.[16 - The tribunal of the Heliasts came next in dignity only to the Areopagus. The dicasts, or jurymen, generally numbered 500; at times it would call in the assistance of one or two other tribunals, and the number of judges would then rise to 1000 or even 1500.] Thus, to be judging is his hobby, and he groans if he is not sitting on the first seat. He does not close an eye at night, and if he dozes off for an instant his mind flies instantly to the clepsydra.[17 - A water-clock, used in the courts for limiting the time of the pleaders.] He is so accustomed to hold the balloting pebble, that he awakes with his three fingers pinched together[18 - The pebble was held between the thumb and two fingers, in the same way as one would hold a pinch of incense.] as if he were offering incense to the new moon. If he sees scribbled on some doorway, "How charming is Demos,[19 - A young Athenian of great beauty, also mentioned by Plato in his 'Gorgias.' Lovers were font of writing the name of the object of their adoration on the walls (see 'The Acharnians').] the son of Pyrilampes!" he will write beneath it, "How charming is Cemos!"[20 - [Greek: K_emos], the Greek term for the funnel-shaped top of the voting urn, into which the judges dropped their voting pebbles.] His cock crowed one evening; said he, "He has had money from the accused to awaken me too late."[21 - Racine has introduced this incident with some modification into his 'Plaideurs.'] As soon as he rises from supper he bawls for his shoes and away he rushes down there before dawn to sleep beforehand, glued fast to the column like an oyster.[22 - Although called Heliasts ([Greek: H_elios], the sun), the judges sat under cover. One of the columns that supported the roof is here referred to.] He is a merciless judge, never failing to draw the convicting line[23 - The juryman gave his vote for condemnation by tracing a line horizontally across a waxed tablet. This was one method in use; another was by means of pebbles placed in one or other of two voting urns.] and return home with his nails full of wax like a bumble-bee. Fearing he might run short of pebbles[24 - Used for the purpose of voting. There were two urns, one for each of the two opinions, and each heliast placed a pebble in one of them.] he keeps enough at home to cover a sea-beach, so that he may have the means of recording his sentence. Such is his madness, and all advice is useless; he only judges the more each day. So we keep him under lock and key, to prevent his going out; for his son is broken-hearted over this mania. At first he tried him with gentleness, wanted to persuade him to wear the cloak no longer,[25 - The Heliast's badge of office.] to go out no more; unable to convince him, he had him bathed and purified according to the ritual[26 - To prepare him for initiation into the mysteries of the Corybantes.] without any greater success, and then handed him over the the Corybantes;[27 - Who pretended to cure madness; they were priests of Cybelé.] but the old man escaped them, and carrying off the kettle-drum,[28 - The sacred instrument of the Corybantes.] rushed right into the midst of the Heliasts. As Cybelé could do nothing with her rites, his son took him again to Aegina and forcibly made him lie one night in the temple of Asclepius, the God of Healing, but before daylight there he was to be seen at the gate of the tribunal. Since then we let him go out no more, but he escaped us by the drains or by the skylights, so we stuffed up every opening with old rags and made all secure; then he drove short sticks into the wall and sprang from rung to rung like a magpie. Now we have stretched nets all round the court and we keep watch and ward. The old man's name is Philocleon,[29 - Friend of Cleon, who had raised the daily salary of the Heliasts to three obols.] 'tis the best name he could have, and the son is called Bdelycleon,[30 - Enemy of Cleon.] for he is a man very fit to cure an insolent fellow of his boasting.

BDELYCLEON. Xanthias! Sosias! Are you asleep?

XANTHIAS. Oh! oh!

SOSIAS. What is the matter?

XANTHIAS. Why, Bdelycleon is rising.

BDELYCLEON. Will neither of you come here? My father has got into the stove-chamber and is ferreting about like a rat in his hole. Take care he does not escape through the bath drain. You there, put all your weight against the door.

SOSIAS. Aye, aye, master.

BDELYCLEON. By Zeus! what is that noise in the chimney? Hullo! who are you?

PHILOCLEON. I am the smoke going up.

BDELYCLEON. Smoke? smoke of what wood?

PHILOCLEON. Of fig-wood.[31 - The smoke of fig-wood is very acrid, like the character of the Heliasts.]

BDELYCLEON. Ah! 'this the most acrid of all. But you shall not get out. Where is the chimney cover?[32 - Used for closing the chimney, when needed.] Come down again. Now, up with another cross-bar. Now look out some fresh dodge. But am I not the most unfortunate of men? Henceforward, I shall only be called the son of the smoky old man. Slave, hold the door stoutly, throw your weight upon it, come, put heart into the work. I will come and help you. Watch both lock and bolt. Take care he does not gnaw through the peg.

PHILOCLEON. What are you dong, you wretches? Let me go out; it is imperative that I go and judge, or Dracontides will be acquitted.

BDELYCLEON. What a dreadful calamity for you!

PHILOCLEON. Once at Delphi, the god, whom I was consulting, foretold, that if an accused man escaped me, I should die of consumption.

BDELYCLEON. Apollo, the Saviour, what a prophecy!

PHILOCLEON. Ah! I beseech you, if you do not want my death, let me go.

BDELYCLEON. No, Philocleon, no never, by Posidon!

PHILOCLEON. Well then, I shall gnaw through the net[33 - Which had been stretched all round the courtyard to prevent his escape.] with my teeth.

BDELYCLEON. But you have no teeth.

PHILOCLEON. Oh! you rascal, how can I kill you? How? Give me a sword, quick, or a conviction tablet.

BDELYCLEON. Our friend is planning some great crime.

PHILOCLEON. No, by Zeus! but I want to go and sell my ass and its panniers, for 'this the first of the month.[34 - Market-day.]

BDELYCLEON. Could I not sell it just as well?

PHILOCLEON. Not as well as I could.

BDELYCLEON. No, but better. Come, bring it here, bring it here by all means—if you can.

XANTHIAS. What a clever excuse he has found now! What cunning to get you to let him go out!

BDELYCLEON. Yes, but I have not swallowed the hook; I scented the trick. I will no in and fetch the ass, so that the old man may not point his weapons that way again….[35 - He enters the courtyard, returning with the ass, under whose belly Philocleon is clinging.] Stupid old ass, are you weeping because you are going to be sold? Come, go a bit quicker. Why, what are you moaning and groaning for? You might be carrying another Odysseus.[36 - In the Odyssey (Bk. IX) Homer makes his hero, 'the wily' Odysseus, escape from the Cyclops' cave by clinging on under a ram's belly, which slips past its blinded master without noticing the trick played on him. Odysseus, when asked his name by the Cyclops, replies, Outis, Nobody.]

XANTHIAS. Why, certainly, so he is! someone has crept beneath his belly.

BDELYCLEON. Who, who? Let us see.

XANTHIAS. 'Tis he.

BDELYCLEON. What does this mean? Who are you? Come, speak!

PHILOCLEON. I am Nobody.

BDELYCLEON. Nobody? Of what country?

PHILOCLEON. Of Ithaca, son of Apodrasippides.[37 - A name formed out of two Greek words, meaning, running away on a horse.]

BDELYCLEON. Ha! Mister Nobody, you will not laugh presently. Pull him out quick! Ah! the wretch, where has be crept to? Does he not resemble a she-ass to the life?

PHILOCLEON. If you do not leave me in peace, I shall commence proceedings.