My So-Called

Great, Tig thought, because how awful would that be, a boyfriend who wanted to jump me?

‘Plus, messing with a kick-boxer, probably not a good idea,’ Ollie laughed, then trailed off as he heard her hesitance. ‘Honestly, Tig, I don’t want to force you into anything. And think of this as a pre-date, a mini date, if you will. We’ll do the proper pick-you-up, take-you-out thing, too, but I thought …’

‘It sounds great, Ollie, really.’ Tig felt exhausted. ‘I’ll see you at Entangled in a bit.’

They said their goodbyes, and Tig tried to recapture the calm she’d felt just moments before, but it was gone. All she could think about was what she’d wear, and how he’d think she was boring, and the pain of an awkward silence. Although she guessed Ollie had never had an awkward silence in his life.

She called Ame. ‘I have to cancel on dim sum tonight. Although your fake stud muffin could always pick it up for you.’

‘Aw, man, I was totally craving pork shumai. What’s more important than food?’

Tig screwed up her eyes. ‘Um, I’m going on a fake date. With Ollie. The barman. At Entangled.’

There was silence, and then a small hiccup. ‘I’m not sure how to respond to this,’ Ame said. ‘What exactly is a fake date?’

Tig tried to explain as simply as possible in a way that didn’t seem mental. ‘We’re going to hang out, in a platonic way. He’s been through the same situation I’ve been through, and he’s going to show me how to date.’

‘Riiight …’

‘But it’s not real,’ Tig said resolutely, ‘it’s fake.’

‘So you don’t really eat food?’

‘No, we just … you know, we’re not actually attracted to each other.’

‘There is no way anyone with eyes could not be attracted to that man.’

‘Well, I’m not!’ Liar, Tig thought.

‘Liar,’ said Ame. ‘So … what is the point of all of this?’

Tig sighed. ‘I don’t know. It’s just time, isn’t it? I don’t know how to do any of this. I haven’t ever been on a first date! I just fell into a relationship, and now I don’t know how to be an adult.’

‘Join the club,’ Ame sighed. ‘I’m a divorcee at twenty-six. Who saw that shit coming?’

Me, Tig thought, then shook it away. ‘So this is a good idea?’

‘Can’t be worse than sitting around getting bitter and angry and eating a fucktonne of ice cream, can it?’ She could hear Ame shrugging. ‘Which is pretty much what my evening now consists of.’

‘Where are you?’

‘I’m eating lunch in one of the abandoned offices on the thirteenth floor. It’s the only place Clint can’t find me. He just stopped by the front desk when I got back from M&S – he’s taking his new girlfriend out to lunch. She’s six foot and works at Vogue. Looks about nineteen, the perve.’

‘Oh Ames,’ Tig sighed.

‘Nah, you’re right. It’s time to be done with this. Go on your fake date with the gorgeous barman. At least one of us should be moving on.’

Tig frowned at how much sense Ame was making, and considered telling her about Darren’s wedding, but she decided she couldn’t deal with the drama. She’d dealt with it herself last night, with the help of Ollie and alcohol. She didn’t have to tell the girls now. She had to focus on how to go on a date without throwing up.

Chapter Three (#ulink_c3f70244-a196-5f36-8ddc-37636b03e075)

She was not emotionally ready for this at all. Tig couldn’t help but look at herself, and wonder what on earth she had to offer anyone at this point. She was all dressed up: her black polka dot dress, her biker boots and leather jacket. She was dressed for war, if anything. And all she could think of was Darren. Darren leaving, Darren looking at her like she was an idiot for not getting it sooner.

‘Look, Lil, it’s just … it’s not the same anymore, you’re not the same.’ He stood above her as she curled up on the sofa.

‘Daz, I just asked you to put the kettle on, there’s no need for a hissy fit.’ She huffed and stood up, stretching out. Happy bloody Valentine’s Day to me, she thought.

‘It’s not about the sodding tea!’ Darren shouted. ‘You’ve changed.’

‘How have I changed?’

‘You’re at the gym all the time!’ He shouted.

She blinked. ‘Darren, you realise we’re getting married in five days? It’s natural for me to be at the gym.’

He looked at her, his blond hair ruffled over his round face. Darren had always looked as if someone had bleached a bulldog. A little bit boyband, a little bit rugby player.

‘No, before. Since you … since you stopped being fat.’ He took a breath. ‘Things have been different.’

‘You said …’ She tried to stop her lip from trembling. ‘You said I wasn’t fat.’

‘You weren’t. I preferred you like that.’ He looked at the floor, and then back up again.

‘What … you mean you don’t … I’m healthy now. I got fit and healthy and worked hard to be like this!’ Okay, so now she was pissed. She’d spent the last two years working out, and counting calories, and forgoing curries for salads, and finding out that she loved the gym. She loved lifting, loved being strong, and feeling her muscles strain and grow. She loved being stronger than the boys in the gym, loved feeling like her body was actually functioning as it should. And he was … angry at her?

‘Yeah, and it’s all you’re fucking about. Salads, and discipline and cardio. You’re at the gym, and you’re lifting weights to bulk out like a bloke. And your tits are too small now.’

Tig looked at him. Looked at the sad little man he was, with his beer gut from all the Stella and curries. But … but he was hers. She loved the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and how he knew her favourite TV shows and how she liked her tea. That he would engulf her in a bear hug when she was sad, that they’d been together since they were fifteen and that everything she’d ever known about love she’d known from him.

‘So … you want me to stop going to the gym?’

‘No. I just … I just don’t think we should do this anymore.’ He shrugged at the ceiling.

‘This … this … this WEDDING THAT’S HAPPENING IN FIVE DAYS? Is that the THIS you’re talking about?’ she screamed.

‘Yes! I don’t think I love you anymore.’

‘You don’t love me and my tits are too small and you liked me better fat?’ She snorted in disbelief. ‘Anything else? My job’s a joke and my degree was shit and you hate my family?’

‘Stop being melodramatic, Lily,’ he sighed. ‘It’s not like this is easy for me, either.’

‘Are you JOKING?’ She thought her eyes were going to fall out of her skull. ‘Or are you just an IDIOT? What is actually WRONG with you? How the FUCK is this hard for YOU?’

Darren shuffled, ruffling his hair. ‘Well, it’s not been easy to be around you. You’re the one who’s gone wedding crazy, and really wanted to get married –’

‘YOU proposed to ME!’

‘Yeah, but it’s … it had to be done, didn’t it? I thought we were going to wait a few years after the engagement –’